Delirium
by vin.fireclaw
Summary: Mai-HiME. An exploration of the relationship between Fujino Shizuru and Kuga Natsuki six years after the events of the manga universe. A contemplative "what-if."
1. D1

Edit Jan-2011: Once, I had planned on completely rewriting this fic. Even after five years have gone by since I first wrote this thing, the story and its concept remain very dear to me. Even so, the more I tried to rewrite it, the more I realized how the concept had evolved beyond what I could write.

Maybe in another five years I'll gain the maturity to articulate what I meant to articulate here. By then, the characters will no longer be Natsuki, Shizuru, and Kiyohime. Despite the enormous faults due to my childish ambition—I wrote what I thought would be cool and not what the narrative and characters needed—I think this thing is still worth a once-over. I'll still be editing minor bits here and there, but it will remain mostly the same as it did in the two year process of writing these ten chapters.

So yeah, for those who have read this thing before—thanks for doing so. For those who are just starting—thanks for doing so too.

Anyway, this fic is based on the very problematic Mai-HiME _manga-verse_. Because it was so problematic, I thought it would be nice to stage a minor intervention. Therefore, everything of the manga-verse is canon though the character's personalities are rounded to be more like their anime selves. As some people are not familiar with manga—nor would I wish it upon them to read the actual atrocity—details that are not apparent within the fic will be present before each chapter. As such:

-All HiMEs have a Key, their most precious person.  
-A HiME's Child only appears when her Key touches her Element  
-Tate Yuuichi is Mai AND Natsuki's Key  
-Tate Yuuichi is also both Mai AND Natsuki's love interest  
-Natsuki refers to Tate as her "slave"  
-Natsuki's mother comes back from the "dead" to betray her yet again  
-Shizuru plays an very minor role and is virtually nonexistent.  
-Shizuru is NOT a HiME

**Delirium  
Chapter 1**

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward.  
_-Soren Kierkegaard_

It was well into the morning, a lazy spring time. The weather was close to perfect; there was not a cloud in the sky. Nearby, birds sang pleasantly on treetops and telephone wires. And, because it was Saturday, there was no hustle and bustle of noisy students rushing to school or the sound of businessmen's well-polished shoes hitting the cement at a reserved yet hurried pace. Instead, most chose to use the time to relax and curl up with a good book, a cup of coffee in hand, watch Saturday morning cartoons in blissful tranquility, or perhaps spend the morning cuddled next to a loved one.

In a quaint, well-off housing district on the outskirts of Fuuka, a house stood which neighbors jokingly referred to as the "Kuga-Fujino" home. It was a regal building—a quasi-mansion almost—by far the largest house in the area. Built in a classical Japanese style (perhaps as a tribute to the Edo period), with several spaces (as there is no such thing as a room in the traditional house) covered by_ tatami_, multi-purposed areas, and a large sand and grass garden in the back—the house was an effortless merge of the past with the present. Despite its appearance, it had been built a little less than a decade ago.

Its owner was a delicate-looking princess who was quite amiable and almost sinfully polite. The home was built and exactly structured for her. Just about everyone liked this woman. Even the nosiest neighbors could speak no ill of her.

They could, however, squabble and send rumors alight of the person, a seemingly forever-frowning woman, who appeared to be the young lady's polar-opposite. She had been invited into the house's walls three years ago and had been living there ever since. Even though neighbors gossiped once and a while (there were a few rumors still circulating of late night trysts before the blue-haired woman had moved in) most agreed that the pair were, at the most, good friends. They reasoned that was no couple-like tension or atmosphere between the two that hinted anything else.

In reply to those neighbors' assumption, behind the walls of the more-than-humble home, all was quiet save for the soft rustling of clothes and the sound of a body moving.

Twenty-three-year-old Kuga Natsuki, in her fourth and final year in college, sat on top of a large, particularly comfortable _futon_. Surprisingly, it was still in plain view. Traditional customs ordered that the _futon_ should be rolled up and put away after waking up so the space could be used for other purposes yet Natsuki, who had been awake for over an hour, made no move to do so. She instead sat cross-legged and stared blankly, uncomprehendingly, at the sight in front of her. A tray containing a lone cup of still steaming tea was at her side.

What her eyes focused upon was the sight of Fujino Shizuru who was fully dressed. Natsuki was still in her sleep wear.

The other woman moved mechanically, her step was stiff and emotionless yet curiously determined at the same time. Her eyes stayed trained on her path, only blinking when it was required. Never once did her head turn to look at the other. Her purposeful, deliberate actions were indubitable.

Fujino Shizuru was packing.

The rustling of clothes was Shizuru carefully folding and then placing her clothing inside her opened suitcases. Already one case was filled. A part of Natsuki wanted to pretend that the other woman was packing for a long business trip that Shizuru had conveniently forgotten to tell her about, but that lie had long expired. The other part didn't know what to think. There was no reason why Shizuru would have to pack _all_ her clothes for a business trip.

The burgundy-eyed woman had, while studying at Fuuka's university (despite getting admission to far better schools), been employed at a local bookstore. When the elderly owner had died three years ago, the store had been left in Shizuru's capable hands. What Natsuki didn't know was that the Kyoto-born had sold the bustling store less than a week ago.

If she had known this tiny morsel of information, perhaps the trepid feeling that was already welling inside her form would increase and suddenly the trace of anxiety in her would _crescendo_ into full blown confusion. Maybe it was just too early to care or perhaps even inferring what was possibly transpiring was too implausible, too unbelievable for her to entertain the very thought but, for whatever reason, Natsuki remained fixated where she sat, utterly incapable of movement.

The more she scrutinized her, Natsuki noticed that Shizuru was shaking slightly. That when she reached up to take an outfit from the wardrobe, neatly fold a piece of clothing, or place the garment into the suitcase, the older woman's hands would quiver, as if responding to inner turmoil caused by her actions and thoughts. Moments after this realization had dawned, she observed Shizuru's trembling had caused the usually graceful woman to accidentally drop a skirt onto the floor.

Natsuki nearly moved from her place on the futon out of instinct yet Shizuru quickly amended her mistake. Her head almost faced in the direction where Natsuki sat, but the older woman abruptly turned her body away so that she once again faced her wardrobe. After that, the older woman appeared like she couldn't take anymore—hands were clenched into fists around the fabric she held, her shoulders tense. Shizuru threw the skirt to the floor and slid open the _shouji_ door. The older woman nearly ran to the kitchen, more or less fleeing from her.

Natsuki sunk back down on the warm futon. Even though the creases had been altered, one could tell that a second person had once occupied the floor-bed.

They had been together for almost four years now, ever since…

_"I'm telling you Kuga, this has to stop," Tate was speaking softly, trying to make her understand. "The one I care for is Mai. I do love you, but not the way you want."_

_Arms encircled her in a brotherly hug. That annoying voice continued to speak, "You can't do this anymore. Please stop waiting around for me." His eyes did soften and it was obvious even to her that he acted with genuine care. Nevertheless, he let go of her at the entrance of the Fuuka University to catch up with a waiting Mai._

_They were in their first year of college; Natsuki couldn't believe that her "slave" meant what he said. After all, who could deny her? So, the stubborn girl decided to go to Tate's dorm room after class to "show" him._

_She found him with his arms encircling Tokiha, mouths intertwined in a passionate kiss. That seductress had already been shed of her jacket while Yuuichi's naked torso was turned facing the door. He looked up for a moment, his eyes locked onto hers for what seemed like an eternity. Her green eyes had been wide in bitter shock. Her heart had shattered while a pulsing beat rang in her ears, deafening her._

_"Is something wrong Tate?" she heard Mai ask in throaty moan._

_"No…nothing at all."_

_It can't be, Natsuki tried to rationalize as she ran away as fast as she could. Tears welled in her eyes._

_After that, she had laid on her bed, refusing all visitors. Tate had been at her door several times, every time he had shouted at the closed door that he had already told her. That she should have known. Mai had been there too, not apologizing, but still trying to comfort her pseudo-friend. Several students and even a few professors had slid notes and homework under her apartment door which congregated in an untouched mountain of paper._

_And then, after a few days of sulking, she had heard a polite knock at her door._

_"Natsuki, it is me," said a disembodied, heavily-accented voice. When the voice received no answer, it then replied:_

_"Natsuki…I'm coming in." The door opened and the other woman's threat was carried out._

_Just then she remembered that ex-Student President had a key to her apartment. Natsuki would've cursed had she not been hugging her pillow tightly. It seemed like a good idea at time, giving Shizuru her key, and sooner or later she would have been bullied into giving it to the resourceful other._

_"My, Natsuki's apartment is an absolute sty," the other woman laughed as she made her way across small piles of papers, dirty clothes, and books to the bed._

_"Leave me alone," she deadpanned. Natsuki didn't want to deal with the other's troublesome presence. Yet, just to smite her, the sound of footsteps informed her that the other had moved closer to her and that Shizuru now sat at the side of her bed. She felt soft fingers caress her head, gently combing through her hair._

_"I meant what I said all those years ago." Shizuru told her as she continued to stroke Natsuki's head. Natsuki slowly brought herself into a sitting position. Once she did, the older woman quickly embraced her._

_"I want to give Natsuki the experience of a happy family. I want to give her everything that she needs..." Shizuru had shifted so her wine-colored eyes could meet with green that immediately turned away. A gentle smile along with a gentle expression was on the older woman's face._

_"Because I love you, Natsuki."_

_Grimly had Natsuki tightened her grip upon Shizuru's shirt, not wanting to lose the last remaining stability of her life. She had been betrayed so many times before. By her mother, by Yuuichi... But Shizuru had always been there… always unwavering in her support…she never would deceive her…_

_She had looked up to see that the adoring expression in the other's eyes had not changed. Natsuki had then shifted, moved her body forward, and closed the distance between her and Shizuru. Her hands reached upwards to tangle in soft golden brown hair; Natsuki passionately, desperately, kissed Shizuru who, after a few moments of shock, could do nothing to repress her own emotions. Shizuru returned the kiss back just as desperately even though she knew it was wrong—it was too much for her._

The sound of a cabinet opening in the kitchen area broke Natsuki out of her reverie. The sound of porcelain clinging with porcelain summoned up alarm.

She couldn't be…

Every muscle, nerve, and thought froze inside of Natsuki. She felt as if she had been hit with Duran's sub-zero attack. It couldn't be possible…it just couldn't—she refused to even entertain the idea.

As if he sensed the tense atmosphere that surrounded his two owners, Duran the Shiba Inu whimpered timorously from the garden. Despite being so soft, so timid, the sound pierced the air as fast as light. The sound continued; arduous, laborious notes hit the air. The spoiled pet could've been crying for attention or food, yet his sound did confirm that everyone in the residence was struck by the arrow of melancholy.

The whimpering increased in sound, rising upwards like an elegy, a neglected lament, yet Natsuki did not move. She was fixated at her spot. She had been so since she had woken up and saw that her side was unoccupied by a body which usually was plastered next to her. Instead that body had been up…determinedly packing.

Steps resounded like the beat of a steady, resolute drum as the other woman made her way back into that room. They resonated in her mind—those steps—each were a blow to her unsteady, uncomprehending heart. Shizuru had returned empty handed. The case was probably near the _genkan_, the entrance of their home.

Natsuki wanted to jump up, grab the other by her arm, and hotly demand what Shizuru was doing. She wanted to glare into those equally determined eyes and break that resolve. She wanted to tell the other woman to get a hold of herself, to tell her to stay. Yet the words, the actions—they stayed encased inside of her. It was the first time since her mother's "death" that she felt so frightened, panicked. She was afraid of the answer she would hear and the reaction she would receive.

Maybe Shizuru would turn with tears hot in her eyes and slap her. Maybe Shizuru would say that she was tired of Natsuki, that the other was too much work to deal with. Maybe…too many thoughts ran through her head, banging at her temple, screaming for release, and begging for speculation. And thus, Natsuki remained uncharacteristically indecisive.

Inside that room was a silent pandemonium. All hell seemed to have broken loose. The war that was waged inside those sliding walls was one that was fought by wills that did not clash. The silence that adorned in the room hung like a thick miasma; it increased the pressure on her lungs, choking her. She wondered as she sat there—did she wake up in some kind of alternate universe that Shizuru despised her?

Fear. Pure, simplistic fear drove her into her current predicament. She was a person of brash, brazen impulse. She usually acted upon spontaneity, taking no nonsense from just about anyone who got in her way. Anyone who had was soon staring down both the barrels of her twin guns and Duran's as well. Yet the very basis of her character, the fundamental of her being seemed to be paralyzed by the situation in front of her. She felt like she had once again reverted back into that tiny, weak child who could only helplessly watch her mother die.

With a finalizing click, the last suitcase was closed. Shizuru carried one of the bags out of the room while Natsuki continued to stare at the space the other once occupied. The other woman returned once more for the second suitcase and then Natsuki watched her leave.

It was in that moment that immense gravity of the situation finally hit her. Natsuki sprang from where she sat on the comfortable _futon_, away from the now cold cup of untouched tea, and ran out the room to chase after the other woman. Had she took the time to realize it, Natsuki would have seen that the only outfit left in Shizuru's wardrobe was her high school uniform.

She ran on the _engawa_, the veranda of the home, faster than she had ever ran before. She planned to cut the other off from the outside. Her messy bed hair flapped behind her like an unfurled banner. As Natsuki quickly ran away from her memories of the past in favor of the present, her thoughts became consumed with stopping Shizuru before she too would haunt her past.

Duran immediately perked when he saw his master yet she had quickly slid open another door and disappeared from his view. The dog lowered his head and continued to whine dejectedly in neglect.

Heart pounding, Natsuki finally caught up with Shizuru who was already halfway on the walkway. There was a yellow taxi waiting for her. The driver appeared to already have loaded most of the cases.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki shouted. For some reason, her heart wouldn't slow its frantic pace. It instead continued to quicken, beating inside her like a ticking bomb. Something heavy was in her stomach. Her throat contained some damnable object that wouldn't let her swallow, let her breathe properly. She wanted to throw up. She wanted to wake up screaming from this terrible nightmare. But was it really a nightmare?

_They ran from the rain until they made it halfway on the "lawn" of their home. Due to the chase, Shizuru was openly laughing, a rare time where she fully let down her guard. Natsuki couldn't help but to smile. She ran her hand through the other's wet locks, still smiling happily. Both of them were out of breath, shoulders heaving up and down._

_Shizuru looked at her amusedly; her head was tilted, curious of what the other would do._

_"You idiot," Natsuki muttered, more to herself than anything, before throwing her arms around her; a hand snaked up to cup the other's warm cheek. Lips touched briefly._

_Shizuru was the one who broke the kiss. For a moment her eyes were sad, hurt, yet in a moment they were back to normal. Before Natsuki could react, Shizuru pushed her gently away before running into the house, skipping steps in her quick pace._

_"It is Natsuki who is the idiot," the older woman responded as she moved deeper into the house. Despite the frivolity of the statement, the undertone was full of a different, more complex emotion._

She had dismissed it then, yet it began to happen more often. That pensive, that apprehensive look continued to build its foundation in Shizuru's coutenance. Often the other would smile at her, tell her it was nothing, and then continue to stare off into space at something that only she could see which caused her face to contort in pain. Shizuru would spend more time at her bookstore, making excuses not to come home. And worst of all, Natsuki never thought to ask. She had thought that Shizuru had family problems…or something of that sort. It wouldn't have been something that concerned her…would it?

She stood at the _genkan_, her hands braced at the side of the house. The uncertainty in her was like a vast ocean where tumultuous waves starting in the pit of her stomach grew with such voracious intensity until they seemed to engulf her entire form and make her tremble every time they crashed.

It took an eternity for Shizuru to turn her body. At first her eyes refused to meet and then…when they did...

Natsuki let loose a gasp. Shizuru's expression shattered what was left of her fortitude, washing away whatever sentiment that had once been seated at her tongue. How could one describe what was in the eyes of Shizuru? A wounded expression, an expression of a hurt that had been gathered for years on end...claret eyes filled with tears that finally dropped after being bravely held all through the morning. There were no words to describe the amount of pain that she saw in those gentle watery eyes.

"Natsuki," the woman whispered, her voice cracking and barely audible. Her name was uttered like the title of the greatest torment that had ever existed, as if she wrought upon Shizuru the greatest of all grievances. So much emotion was unwittingly put into a spoken sound.

Silence rang in her ear; it slowly drained away all her power, her ability to think. Their eyes seemed to be locked for a bitter eternity, one that was not interrupted by any words. Her green eyes had once conveyed the sentiment that it was _her_ who was the victim of this cruel, wordless "tirade" but now she was not so sure. Maybe she was the perpetrator of the serenity that had once been between them. Slowly, the jagged edges of her countenance had been worn away until all that was left was the smooth surface that reflected doubt, worry, fear, pain, confusion, and, most of all, despair.

There her _senpai_, best friend…lover stood halfway between the entrance of the home and the waiting taxi. Natsuki felt her fingernails dig into the wood of the house as she continued to wordlessly stare into her eyes, the multitude of emotions stupefying her in its strength. She beseeched with questioning eyes at the watery burgundy to stay, to come back.

And then, Shizuru forced herself to turn. The honey brown-haired woman walked towards the driver. She handed to him the last of her baggage. She got into the car. The driver went into his seat. The car started and the vehicle that contained the vestige of Natsuki's last "dearest" one left. Shizuru never once looked back.

From the entranceway, Natsuki slowly sank down to her knees. For some reason there were no tears were in her eyes. The blank expression returned to her face as her chest continued to heave up and down, as her stomach curled in the weight of all the emotions that plagued her.

They had spoken only two words in that sunny, near perfect weather morning. It had taken less than two hours for Shizuru to cut her ties to her.

Shizuru…she left her. She left her in the entranceway of the house that she owned. She left behind the girl she had taken care of since middle school.

It took a while for Natsuki to fully understand what had transpired.

Fujino Shizuru was gone.


	2. D2

This life's dim windows of the soul  
Distorts the heavens from pole to pole  
And leads you to believe a lie  
When you see with, not through, the eye.  
_~William Blake_

******Delirium  
Chapter 2**  


Often, if one listened hard enough, the sound of neighbors gossiping is made apparent. Often, if one had the attention span, the appetite for such trivialness, and the patience to endure eavesdropping on eavesdroppers, he or she would hear envious sighs swelling through the neighborhood regarding the garden of a certain household.

After all, the "Fujino-Kuga" home's garden was a miraculous sight for those fortunate enough to see it. It was one that ushered much talk (especially from the older generation) when it was brought into a conversation. For one as young as the former president of Fuuka Gakuen's high school, the fact that the golden brown haired woman owned such a garden whose style and beauty could rival Nanzen-ji's was astounding.

In fact, the garden seemed to be an evolution of that Kyoto temple. It utilized some of the same basics: the union of shirakawasuna (white sand) and plants; the seas of sand almost crashed into the banks of green. With the few maple trees strategically placed the background, the sparse bushes, and winding Japanese ivy on the bamboo fences, the garden seemed to give the impression that it continued farther than it did. This was employing the technique of Shakkei or borrowed scenery. Even so, for all its tradition, it was obvious that youthful spunk also had a hand in this garden's creation.

Near the far left corner of this garden was sanzonseki, or a group of three stones that seemed to represent a mountain. It was likely that the architect had Fuji-san in mind when constructing it. Other stones seemingly haphazardly placed in the garden actually furthered the atmosphere when taken into greater inspection. From the stone steps that connected house to garden flowed a winding stone path.

It was a perfect union, a paragon example of the Japanese culture of old. Even the dog house that was on the right side of the house did little to detract its glorious splendor. After all, Duran's house was made of stone and covered in the sparse amounts of moss—it might as well be an oversized ishidoro, or stone lantern.

No doubt the garden was a kanshoniwa: one whose purpose was for meditation rather than strolling. Its function was currently being used. For Natsuki sat on the veranda of _her_ home (a lawyer had recently informed her that a transaction had been made and the piece of property legally belonged to her) and was staring into the distance.

It had been a week since Shizuru had left her. At first, especially during those lingering, slow moving hours after that woman's departure, Natsuki had thought time would soon start to move too fast, too slow, or just altogether stop.

Yet it didn't. She didn't wind up with aimless days where there was nothing to do, nothing to think of. She didn't find herself lost in the confusion of daily life or the work of her last year in college. No; instead, life proceeded as it always did: cruelly and without pause. She continued to go through the motions of her life only now without Shizuru behind her, always quietly supporting her.

For Natsuki, the space in her life that Shizuru occupied was not filled with sadness or regret. It wasn't like she had lost her purpose of living or was plagued by the sensation that the world would end soon.

She felt…nothing.

Duran looked up, panting slightly from where he lay on the engawa; his odd black-blue colored tongue extended playfully. Natsuki absentmindedly reached to pet his rather harsh coat as she continued stared off into the light colored afternoon sky. A plate of half-eaten, lopsided gyoza was at her side. An open bottle of mayo sat next to it.

_"Shizuru," Natsuki came from the behind and hugged her, utilizing the same technique the other was so fond of employing against her, albeit far more hesitantly, "let's get a dog."_

_"Why," the older woman asked as she giggled mischievously. "Am I not already Natsuki's pet?" Shizuru then took advantage of the situation to turn and kiss Natsuki on her red cheek._

_Even so, Natsuki had little trouble to convince her to accompany her to the home of a local dog breeder. The man had cheerfully informed the couple that a litter of purebred Shiba Inu puppies had recently been born. Natsuki had picked a beautiful wolf-gray colored puppy while Shizuru watched in amusement._

_"What you going to name her?" The Kyoto born asked once the puppy had been officially put under their care._

_"Him," Natsuki corrected. "I'm going to name him Duran."_

_The shorter girl's declaration caused the other to once again to laugh, "Do you have to name every dog in your sight 'Duran'? Here I thought Natsuki was more creative than that."_

_Despite here pouting, childishly puffed up cheeks, Natsuki's stance was firm and unwavering. Duran was named Duran although Shizuru cheekily gave the puppy the nickname of "Tsuki" to mirror his owner, Natsuki._

Natsuki blinked, Whenever she thought about Shizuru, the twisted feeling in her stomach resurfaced. It was a dull pain unlike what she experienced ever before. After all, she was well acquainted with pain and its many entities. Her mind wandered through her various encounters as she stared at the garden with eyes that did not see.

At her mother's death, pain was something that shocked her into tears. To find mother, drenched in her own blood had instilled fear and insurmountable hurt that even now frightened Natsuki in its power. During the night it manifested itself in her dreams—that scene—it hunted her in her nightmares and it bombarded her with the sensation of vulnerability and terrifying images which made her wake up in tears. Those tremendous emotions could still be tasted in a dry mouth.

And then upon awakening, for many years, she became the predator and chased it with her strongest weapon: revenge. It had been an endless cycle.

The pain of her father leaving her was different. It was a wound of bitterness…cold…something that within the first few months she began to treat the apparition with apathy. There was hurt, there was anger, and when she thought about it, how far that man's perfidy reached still stunned her speechless. Yet he still paid her bills until she was legally an adult and had supported her without the law compelling him to. That combined with other sentiments forced Natsuki to be unable to go so far as defined her feelings towards him as pure hate. As the years went by, she blanketed herself around the comfort of disillusionment when she thought of her connection to that person.

For her, it was only a minor scar.

In her freshman year of high school, her mother's betrayal was one that elicited from her another kind of pain. Combined with her helplessness, her inability to summon Duran at that time—to see the barrels of her mother's Element pointed at her—the overall emotion was hard to describe. To find the truth of her past and to hear harsh words coming out of her mother's mouth had been a terrible shock. And then, to see her mother order DuranDuran to shoot Shizuru…

But it must've been disbelief that hindered the conflagration of hurt inside of her, even now.

With Tate it was a feeling of sheer pain as if her heart had been ripped out of her. He had been her Key, the person dearest to her…her most precious person who had turned on her and chosen someone else.

Yet she had known, somewhere in her stubborn self. She had known since she first saw him interact with Mai, the attention he lavished upon her—how he cared for that person. To her, he only gave compassion, his sympathy. Nevertheless, she still tried to bulldoze her way into his heart with no avail. She knew the futility of her actions…yet it wasn't like she could give up.

But because of that knowledge hidden somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she knew that she would lose. It had been her brace when Tate finally let her go.

And then Shizuru's sudden—yet, now that she thought about it—not-so-sudden departure was of unfeeling; it was of confusion. Pain was a dull ache pounding in her head whenever she thought of her. Now, it was those tear-filled claret eyes that stared at her in quiet agony that haunted her in her dreams instead of the scene of her mother's death. She had been waking up in cold sweat, feeling empty instead of enraged.

Natsuki did not see her surroundings. She did not see all the beauty and hard sought Zen perfection that the garden epitomized. She did not see the Japanese Red Maple trees green in springtime youth or that carefully laid out stone path. Instead her eyes were focused somewhere as her mind, wandering through the chasms and pits of her inner recesses, searched for an answer to…something.

She hated thinking, she really did. It caused hesitation and reflection. Hesitation was a sign of indecisiveness which she abhorred. And she hated reflection because it made her question herself. Once she started contemplating and reflecting, there seemed to be no stop.

She idly wondered if this was what Shizuru felt as she sat there on the engawa two weeks ago. Come to think about it, the past month she had been sitting on the veranda more than she usually did. This was her fault, right? She should have done something, anything…

Yet she didn't do anything. She just sat there and let her leave. Why?

The sudden movement of Duran jumping up caused her eyes to focus. The dog's erect ears were pushed back, teeth bared. His intelligent dark brown eyes glared into the house, likely at the entranceway. He always did so when strangers came into the house. At the sound of polite knocking on the side of the genkan, the dog was sent into a flurry of loud barking.

"Duran!" Natsuki scolded harshly before standing up.

The well-trained animal stopped before he retreated to the farthest part of the veranda, sulking.

Natsuki paid no attention to him as she stood up and made her way through the house until she was at the genkan, curiously peering at the kind face of a tiny decrepit woman.

"My, I had such a scare when I heard the barking. It must have taken a few years off what's left of my life," the gray haired woman laughed good-naturedly. After a moments pause, when she realized that Natsuki wasn't going to speak, the woman then bowed deeply.

"It is nice to meet you, I am Mizumoto Takako. Please take good care of me."

"Kuga Natsuki," she responded dutifully, bowing lower than the older woman had. Contrary to popular belief, Natsuki did possess some semblance of respect and courtesy.

"Ah yes, I know. You were introduced to me by Shizuru-san a few years ago. You must have forgotten," the old woman smiled when she was proven correct as Natsuki had turned away, her face slightly red in embarrassment. "You looked so bored at the time and then you seemed to disappear somewhere whenever I visited."

"Sorry?"

Her quizzical tone caused Takako's smile to widen. "My granddaughter took lessons from Shizuru-san."

Natsuki nodded. Shizuru did offer lessons in tea ceremony once every week. While the older woman was occupied with those pestering students, Natsuki would go out riding, walk Duran—anything she could to get away from the house.

"Shizuru-san had called three weeks ago saying that she would no longer be holding her classes and I've recently heard that she had moved away. I was wondering if I could talk to you."

"About what?" She asked, trying to keep her temper calm. For some reason, she was actually putting an effort to be polite. It had to be the kind, wrinkled face of the other. Yelling at the old woman would be like kicking a puppy—she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

Her effort had been noticed by the Takako. The grandmother hid her mouth behind the sleeve of her fuchsia patterned kimono as she laughed. She seemed to be doing that a lot, laughing and smiling at her—did she find her that amusing?

"Does there need to be a specific topic? I thought I could get to know my neighbor better." From her side she brought to view the package she had been holding. "I've also brought mochi as an incentive for you to talk."

Natsuki favored the older woman with a perplexed look. Nevertheless she nodded again and replied, "Then I guess I'll make the tea."

"My, it seems that she has trained you well."

She could not stop her eyes from narrowing or the frown from appearing on her face as she stomped off towards the kitchen. This caused the other woman to give her another inquisitive glance but nevertheless, Takako followed her into the kitchen.

"I am surprised; you make tea just like she does." Natsuki's neighbor remarked as she artistically set the mochi she had brought on a plate while the blue haired woman poured hot water into the teapot. Natsuki shrugged.

"I'm only using dried tea leaves," she said.

"Even so, your movements are the same. They are quite careful."

"It's probably because she forced me to learn how to 'properly create a harmonious balance, in which tranquility is achieved within a sip of tea.'"

"My, once again I am pleasantly surprised. I didn't think Natsuki-san knew cha-no-yu."

"I only know the basics. After years of her breathing done my neck and patronizing me, I can finally pour tea without spilling a drop. But even Shizuru doesn't has enough patience to teach me the entire process. I barely remember all the meaningless gestures and phrases the guest is supposed to know after years of her trying to teach me."

"It isn't meaningless, you know."

"I don't care."

They reached the garden once again.

"I should have expected that it was Natsuki-chan that raked the garden" the old woman remarked as she set down her tray of snacks.

It was common practice for Buddhist monks to rake sand in the gardens into various shapes to resemble the flow of water or other symbols everyday, preferably in the early morning.

"She made me do it when I started living with her." Natsuki replied offhandedly, choosing to ignore the fact that she had "chan" tacked onto her name rather than the "san" that Shizuru received.

"You did not refuse?"

"At first I did though after a couple days of not eating breakfast, I gave in."

"Which is why you still practice it?"

Once again she shrugged. Years ago perhaps she probably wouldn't have complacently continued the conversation and would have brashly replied. Thanks to Shizuru she had changed. It was also probably because of other factors too, she thought, but it had to be Shizuru who was responsible for her mellowness even though the older woman was also fond of teasing her.

"It is done with great skill."

"Thank you. She was right, it does help you clear your mind and think. Shizuru is such a strange woman." Natsuki smiled at a memory. "She…"

And then she remembered; that strange woman was gone. Shizuru had left her a week ago with tears silently flowing from her eyes. Natsuki remembered how her name was spoken from a voice that cracked and how she never looked back at her again. She tore her eyes away from the garden and looked off to the side. Her hands clenched into fists. Her fingernails dug into flesh.

It had been a pain to remove the splinters from her hands a week ago.

Takako observed her for a moment longer before she spoke.

"You really loved her, did you not?"

"I don't know. I miss her, but do I love her? I…" Natsuki hesitated.

Love was a strong word; it was a confusing one. She vaguely remembered a time when her family was still together, how her parents would keep saying how much they loved her. She remembered her father picking her up and setting her on top of his shoulders, all the while laughing with her and how at night he would kiss her on the cheek after saying that phrase.

And then she vaguely remembered seeing her father turn his back to her, leaving her helpless in that hospital bed.

She remembered her mother smiling and reaching down to hug her, whispering in her ear how much she loved her daughter.

And then Natsuki remembered the image of her mother pointing her Element at her, telling her that she was useless.

"Were you lovers?"

That question caught her off guard, snapping her out of her thoughts. Natsuki shot the other woman a baffled look.

Takako smiled, pleased. "I will take that as a yes."

"It doesn't bother you?"

"I hold Shizuru-san to the utmost regard. If she found happiness with you then I would be happy for her. But it seemed like as every week passed she grew more and more miserable. I noticed about a month ago that her smiles grew progressively faker and she was hiding something. "

Natsuki felt ashamed of herself. This woman had been able to perceive more of Shizuru than she had. Was she that self-absorbed?

"Which is why you are here." She heard herself reply without any signs of offense; it was more of a statement.

"Yes."

"I…Mizumoto-san—will you listen to my story?" Natsuki turned to face the other woman with imploring eyes. There was that feeling in her chest again. Natsuki had no one else to turn to and perhaps that is why she acted the way she did. Without Shizuru, there wasn't anyone else that she felt like she had the liberty of sharing her feelings to. She felt as if she had to explain to someone, anyone.

"There is no need to be so formal. Please call me Takako. Mizumoto-san makes me sound so old." Takako laughed once again, her mouth covered by the sleeve of her kimono. "I would be most honored to hear it."

So she began to tell the grandmotherly woman her past.

"When I was little, I used to live with my mother and my father. My mother was a genetic scientist for a company. Takako-san—"

"Takako"

"...Takako, do you know about the HiME?"

"Everyone around this island has little knowledge about them. We all have children that go or have gone to the academy. There is not much concern towards it and I heard that most of the trouble concerning that disappeared within the year or two it started."

"I am one of those HiME. My mother, like me, was also a HiME. And the, one day when I was still in primary school I went to visit mother…I found her shot, bleeding heavily and passed out at the sight of her. I was then hospitalized for weeks. When I woke up, they told me she died. My father…

She reached for the teapot, pouring both a cup for her listener and herself. "It's a long story."

"As long as you have the time, I am willing to listen."

So she continued to tell her story. She told her about how her father left her. She explained to her of how she sought revenge for her mother's death how it consumed her with frightening passion. She told her about loneliness and how solitude was her only companion for years and how she closed herself to everyone and to complex emotions such as love.

She told her about Shizuru who forced herself into her life with her gentle smile and kind, and sometimes teasing words. She told her of a person who relentlessly, tirelessly supported her even if she continued to shove her to the side.

She told her about Tate and how that relationship started. And then she spoke of the events that happened in her freshman year of high school. She told her about her mother return into her life that year along with that "sister" of hers. She told her about how even now the patch between her mother and her was still weak and how she had later told her mother that it would be best if they went their separate paths.

She told her about college and how Tate finally let her go.

She told her about how Shizuru had left her and then, suddenly without any warning, she felt a floodgate inside of her open. Verisimilitude washed over her.

"I…" Her eyes widened. For the very first time in her life, Natsuki felt herself see things clearly for what they were worth. This was probably how a blind man felt when he suddenly could see again, Natsuki thought. It had to be like what she was feeling.

Now, upon further, clearer thoughts of that time, especially in the light of her present situation, Natsuki could see how wrong it had been. That turn in their relationship had been founded not on that kind of love, but of a replacement. She knew at that time the other wouldn't refuse her; she knew full well what she was doing. It was something calculated, something she never would have thought to do; yet…at that moment, it just seemed right. And she continued to bring the relationship farther out of fear. She didn't want to go back into lonely isolation again.

Seven years seemed an impossible amount of time to stay ignorant, and yet, that's what had happened. She had been so focused, so focused to a point that she couldn't see anything around her. It only took a minute, a second, a heartbeat for one to reach that "epiphany," that realization. Yet, all those seconds not spent, not comprehending, lost in thought accumulated. Those seconds turned minutes. From there, hours. More and more added to days, weeks, months, and, now years. It felt so insignificant, but, looking back, those ignorant words and selfish feelings all came flooding back and nearly drowned her in their strength. And, now, she wondered, how could she gain all that back?

Gain what back, she then wondered, all that time she spent with Shizuru? All the time she wasted chasing after Tate? Indecision, she then decided. Yes, it was the moments of indecision she wanted to change. All the times she was indecisive. Like she was now. She was missing something, something so important that prevented her from understanding, even now, as she sat, staring out at the street and closed gate where minutes—or was it hours?—after Shizuru had left. She wasn't sure what she should do.

She continued to stare into the garden, contemplating her own past and her sudden understanding. Her legs dangled from the engawa while her hands hung loose at her sides.

She wanted to do something…anything to replace this feeling inside of her, this emptiness that her revelation had widened. But what could she do? Run away yet again from the problem? Hadn't that already burdened her with a predicament which continued to grow larger and larger until it had reached this point?

"I don't know what to think," she said slowly, breaking the silence, "but I know now, it was my fault. I was the one that…Shizuru…Shizuru," she whispered that person's name again.

Takako stood up walked towards her. Natsuki felt a small hand pat her shoulder.

"Thank you for telling me your story, Natsuki-san."

Natsuki was able to muster up a small smirk. "It's Natsuki-san now?"

The old woman laughed. "You have won my respect. I can see what Shizuru-san sees in you. You are a kind person."

She looked down into her lap, "No. I'm not. I drove her away. All these years she had been suffering because of me and I didn't notice—I didn't want to notice. Because of me, I caused her so much pain."

"Perhaps that is true. However, the fact that you know what you have done and have discovered it by yourself accounts to something." Takako smiled. "If you know what you have done than there is only one thing Natsuki-san has to do, right?"

"I wouldn't even know where to begin. Even so, what would I say? Sorry that I ruined ten years of your life, Shizuru?" She scoffed softly before her face reverted back into a grim visage. "She was probably right in doing what she did. I never did deserve her and her love anyway."

"Is that what you really think?"

"I don't know what I think."

"Is it that hard?"

Natsuki hesitated. "It's hard because even after all that struggle and Shizuru's help—I still don't get it...things like love and emotions."

The older woman started laughing again.

"What's there to get?" Takako was more or less cackling. Like a witch, Natsuki idly thought.

"I never expected _Natsuki-chan_ of all people to be one to think so much. There is not much to understand. You just act upon your emotions. It is true that you have gone through more than anyone deserves to in your short life, but wouldn't it be better if you started to live your life without acting on those burdens? It is probably hard to imagine for you, but there a people in this world that are not out to get you." Takako finished with a warm smile. "That wasn't too sentimental, was it?"

"…no. Thanks for the advice."

"You're welcome. My, why do you rake the garden if Tsuki just ruins it?"

Natsuki turned back to look at the garden. The pattern she had raked in the morning had been smeared by Duran's paw prints. She shrugged.

"I do it just to help clear my mind in the morning. Wait…Tsuki?"

"Is that not his name?"

"His name is Duran."

"Ara? But Shizuru-san always called him Tsuki. Why…oh. I get it." Takako started to laugh again. "My, Shizuru-san, your humor never ceases to amuse me."

Na_tsuki _could not stop her blood from rushing to her face.

"My, it is getting rather late," the older woman said as she stood up. She then bowed. "Forgive me for taking up so much of your time."

"Not at all," Natsuki dutifully responded, lowering her head. "It was nice talking to you. Thank you for listening to me."

"See, there is hope for you. One day Natsuki-san will fit perfectly into Japanese society." Takako winked.

"Yeah right." She scoffed at the idea. Even without Shizuru she hardly fit the stereotype. She followed the grandmother back to the genkan.

"Goodbye." Takako said, bowing again. "Once more, thank you for your hospitality."

Natsuki bowed again and muttered her own farewell.

"Oh I almost forgot," the small, wrinkled woman said abruptly, turning to face her. "Good luck Natsuki-san. I'm sure you will be able to make the best choice for yourself. And you know, Kyoto festivals in the springtime are excellent. You should go see one sometime."

"…I'll keep that in mind."

"Good. Well then," Takako walked out of the genkan. She stopped halfway on the path leading into the street to turn and bow again which Natsuki responded with a lazy, half-hearted way.

After that, she walked back into her home. She moved through it with familiarity and found herself back at the veranda. She took a long, lingering look at well constructed garden before returning to the center of the house.


	3. D3

Manga Notes for the Blessedly Innocent:

-Alyssa is Natsuki's biological sister, she's also a fake HiME-a PRINCESS

-Miyu is likely to have been built by Natsuki's Mother

-Around the same time Natsuki freaked about precious people going green sparkles and lost the ability to summon Duran, Natsuki's mother reappears as some evil cyborg HiME/PRINCESS with a two-headed, black and gold Duran aptly named DuranDuran. Shizuru saves her before getting shot, and Natsuki reaffirms her love for Tate and regains HiME powers. It's rather headache inducing, the whole thing, but whatever.

**Delirium  
Chapter 3**

The Fujino-Kuga house was covered in darkness. There was a lonely atmosphere in it, a yearning, a coveting for company. It resounded in the wooden walls like sound would in an instrument: vibrating for moments before being released even stronger—clearer. It was uninhabited, dark, and almost foreboding. In these abandoned hours of day, afternoon, and night, the home might as well be haunted. When a sliver of moonlight shined through the dark windows, small specks of dust were illuminated: it was as if tiny ghosts waltzed though this rigid place of silence.

"I'm back," Kuga Natsuki called out into this house.

No one, of course, replied. It was out of habit that she called out. Natsuki wasn't sure when she had started the tradition of doing so. She had only recently gotten use to having someone reply to her call, but those days were already over.

She struggled with her shoes for a moment before finally managing to take them off. She then haphazardly threw them to the side of the genkan, not caring where they landed. It was rather late; she had just gotten back from her part-time job at the local garage.

With eyes closed, she took a deep breath. In and out, relaxing—fists clenched and unclenched. She was used to solitude. She grew up on it. So why was it affecting her so much now?

Natsuki was struck by an odd sensation. At first it started like a tiny gap in her stomach that slowly widened, allowing more of its kind to seep into her frame until she was struck by the feeling of...something. She couldn't pinpoint it, she couldn't describe it. It was just a feeling that told her that something was off. She had forgotten or done something wrong. Something was out of place—something was not right with her life.

Those miniscule dust particles ghost continue to shimmer and float within this seemingly haunted place.

_I'm back," Natsuki called out._

_"Welcome home," a voice warmly greeted her from close by. Seconds later, Shizuru stood in front of her, smiling. She wore a light purple apron over her clothes. Duran was at the taller woman's side, wagging his tail that drummed against the wall in an almost rhythmic beat before he ran to greet her in his normal slobbery fashion. _

_The home was lit up, bright. She could smell the scent of warmed, home cooked food._

_"I was making dinner," Shizuru said pleasantly "Would you like to help me?"_

_Natsuki smiled hesitantly and followed the other woman to their destination._

With a heavy sign, Natsuki went deeper into this lonely feeling house, Duran started barking from the garden. He was tied to his doghouse and, even then, was trained not to go into the house unless someone was with him.

She went into the garden and unlocked the dog who then happily greeted her. Moments later, they went into the kitchen. Natsuki fed him before taking leftovers and heating them for herself. From there, she slide a door open and moved into the ima (or chanoma as Shizuru used to call it—she had always been old fashion) and turned on the TV.

The sound of the TV blared overhead, but it was not loud enough to block unwanted memories.

_"Natsuki?"_

_"Yeah?" Natsuki grunted. They were sitting in ima, watching television though neither one of them paid much attention to the glowing, flashing colors that emerged from the screen. Natsuki was idly flipping through a magazine. Shizuru was reading._

_"If you're not going to watch it then turn it off," Shizuru said motherly without looking up._

_"I am watching it," Natsuki muttered as she turned a page of her magazine, dismayed that the article she was reading was divided by advertisements. "It's all commercials now."_

_"Really?" Shizuru glanced up. "You're right. So what happened—how did that poor woman escape from that cell?"_

_"Her stalker took her out of it before moving her into a bigger room. That's where it left off."_

_"I see…" Shizuru replied distractedly before she set down her book. After a pause, she spoke again. "Natsuki?"_

_"…Yeah?"_

_"You know, you can do so much more than just be a mechanic. Isn't that why you're in college? I don't see why someone as intelligent as you are has to settle for a job like that when you could do more, be more." _

Natsuki had only grunted then, but she had taken Shizuru's words for heart. And so, she was now studying to become a mechanical engineer. She would graduate in a month.

She sat on the tatami covered floor, quietly eating her dinner while Duran lay at her side. She didn't pay the TV any attention; it was just noise, just oddly comforting noise for her. And Natsuki definitely didn't pay any attention to that indescribable feeling in her stomach, one unsatisfied by mere food.

She let out a sigh and retreated back into the inner recesses of her mind.

_"People are not meant to be alone," Shizuru had said while she smiled warmly at her, "they need other people."_

Unable to take the unbearable feeling, Natsuki stared at the phone that was on a nearby table. It was within her arm's reach. For a moment she gazed at it before reaching out with an outstretched hand to take it. However, before she could, she slowly lowered her hand.

Natsuki stared at the phone on the table for a long time. Technology had really progressed, she mused to herself, to a point where people can talk with small pieces of metal to other people far away. People you haven't seen haven't talked to in years, months, weeks, days…

Natsuki stared at the phone that was on the table within arms reach. It looked harmless. But she was apprehensive of its power. She was nervous of the voice that she could hear from that little machine.

Natsuki stared at the phone that was on the table within arms reach for a long time before, finally, picking it up. She pushed a few buttons; the number memorized years ago. And then she heard ringing.

"This is Kuga Natsuki," she blurted out when someone picked up the phone.

"Good evening Natsuki ojou-sama," a monotone voice replied, "is there anything I can help you with?"

"Miyu, I would like to talk to," she heard sound from the other side change, someone else had taken over that phone.

"Onee-san!" A voice happily chirped. "It's been so long since I lasted talked to you. Guess what? I'm in high school now! Mother was thinking of transferring me to Fuuka Gakuen. How have you been doing? Are you still—uh oh," and then, the phone was taken over by someone once again.

"Hello Natsuki," a voice warmly greeted her.

"Mother," Natsuki stated simply.

"It's been a while since you last called me."

Even from her phone, she could hear the nostalgia in her mother's voice. And there was something else…something she couldn't place. "Is there something that you need?"

"No. I just wanted to talk to you," she said, surprising herself. The phone was silent for a moment; her mother was probably as shocked as she was. Or perhaps she was trying to find something to say, something to bridge the wide chasm that was laid between the estranged mother and daughter. "You're right, it has been too long."

"It has been. How are you and Fujino-san?"

This time it was Natsuki who has silent though her silence lasted for more than a moment.

"Is everything all right?" Her mother asked, concerned. "…Natsuki?"

"She left me."

There was a pause, and then a tentative, "I'm sorry." It was impossible to doubt the sincerity in her mother's voice. Her voice seemed raw, ragged even in the phone, as if she had been _there_.

"Looks like we have more in common now."

"We…do. Natsuki, I'm very sorry. I know how it feels."

Natsuki's eyes flicker to the ground as she searched for words.

"How did you feel when you found out he…" she trailed off, hesitating. She didn't know why she called her mother. They had drifted apart after her freshman year of high school. They rarely talked, choosing to accept the unspoken agreement of leaving each other alone. It was odd: she once had dreamed of being reunited with her mother, being part of a happy family. Then, when she had the chance to, all those years ago, Natsuki had chosen not to take it. But, how could she after what had happened?

After years and years of searching for her, trying her best to close off all her emotions in order to revenge her mother's death, she had instead found herself face-to-face with her mother. She had been scared and unable to move, if Shizuru and Tate had not been there, her mother would have likely killed her then. It was something that they, as awkward, taciturn Kugas, could not negotiate. And so their chasm had widened.

"I didn't know what to do," her mother says finally.

"Me too."

"You know, Natsuki, I'm hardly the person that you should be asking about this. My relationship with your father was different from yours with Fujino-san. We never connected; we just agreed to stay together for your sake. Even then…"

"You're wrong. It's the same. But it was my fault. I…I didn't try hard enough. I'm not too sure why, what happened that …" She bit her lip. This was her mother she was talking to. Her mother...she had over six years to get use to suddenly having a mother back in her life. She had over six years to find a purpose in life that wasn't revenge and yet she still felt like she was seventeen again and had just found out her mother was alive.

"I'm so sorry, Natsuki." Her mother said again. "I don't know her too well, but Fujino-san seemed to be an extremely competent person. Even in a place she was completely powerless in, she tried to save you, protect you…something that I couldn't do and didn't. It's obvious to anyone that she loves you immensely."

Her mother paused again, regret and self-loathing was clear in her voice, "I can't say this enough: I am so sorry. What I did to you...I had no right."

Natsuki closed her eyes. Were these not the words she had been searching for her? To hear them uttered through the mouth of her mother—a person that she once had dedicated her life to avenging, a person who then betrayed her? So many years had passed, yet Natsuki still couldn't let go. She couldn't move on…or could she? Had she? Without even knowing it?

Natsuki sighed.

"It's ok, mother. I've forgiven you a long time ago," she said finally, even though she wasn't sure whether or not it was the truth. It felt like it, though it was more a concession than an acceptance. More than anything, perhaps time had healed Kuga Natsuki and her mother's relationship.

"…thank you."

Once again there was a silence in the room.

"You know, I met him again, your father." Her mother said after a while.

"You did?"

"It was seven years ago. We accidentally went to the same restaurant in Hokkaido. He was by himself and I was there on a job venture. We sat, talked, and ate together." Her mother's voice was somewhat distant, as if she was reliving that day. "It was almost like the first time we met. He was off on one of his business meetings and I was looking for a job. It was almost the same, as if we had went back in time. He told me that he had married his secretary and how happy they were. I told him of my next project…" she broke off, her voice then speeding up, gaining more emotion. "Actually, it wasn't the same. I don't remember what I saw in him. But some of his actions, the way he spoke—you remind me of him. The way you both smile…things like that.

"Oh."

Her mother then said bitterly, "You never came up in our conversation, Natsuki. It was like we both couldn't bring you up; we didn't want to remember all the terrible things we did to you because we were so selfish. He confessed that he didn't have another child, but I—Alyssa…sometimes I feel like she's my second chance even though that is…that's completely wrong. I don't know anymore. Natsuki, I'm—"

"It's all right," Natsuki interrupted. There were half formed tears in her eyes, but she couldn't bring herself to shed them. "It's all right," she said once more, more to herself than anything else.

"It looks like my daughter is all grown up now," Dr. Kuga said fondly. Natsuki could hear the small smile in her mother's voice. "What are you doing now?"

"Mechanical engineering. Hopefully I'm going to graduate in a couple weeks."

Her mother's laughter was sincere and appreciative. It broke through the tension with ease. "I would never imagine that of you. At the same time, it fits you."

At the sound of her mother's laughter, a sound that she had not heard for years, Natsuki could not help but to join in.

"It was Shizuru's idea. But I like it."

"I'm glad that you turned out so well."

"Me too."

"We should talk more, don't you think so?"

"Yeah…"

Duran had awakened from his nap at Natsuki side a while ago and had been contently sitting at her side. He startled her when he suddenly started barking. The Shiba Inu then did something strange: he ran up to the TV screen and scratched at it, a whining sound was emitted from the back of his throat.

"What's happening there, Natsuki?"

She did not answer. Her green eyes had widened in shock, her mouth hung open as if she was going to say something, but was stopped by time. She slowly closed her mouth and dropped the phone she was carrying in surprise.

"Natsuki? Natsuki? What happened—are you feeling well? Natsuki! Answer me!"

The sound coming from the phone fell upon deaf ears. The two occupants of the home were too busy staring at the TV screen.

For there she was, half obscured by Duran. Hundreds of flashing cameras surrounded her. She was dressed in a neatly pressed business suit; her serene, regal aura was even obvious through the television screen. When Duran had retreated to hide behind her, Natsuki could read the caption: "Fujino Industry's newest Vice President."

"Shizuru…" Natsuki said. The phone slid out of her hand and landed on the tatami without a sound.


	4. D4

A/N: Have I mentioned how weird it is to read stuff you've written a long time ago? ...It's weird.

**Delirium  
Chapter 4**

Natsuki's eyes flickered from the illuminated screen and back to the fallen phone. She dimly heard her mother's voice screaming worriedly from the earpiece. Her hand reached out to pick up the phone.

"Sorry," she muttered into the receiver, "I saw something that surprised me."

"You had me scared for a moment," her mother said, laughing nervously. "I guess old feelings die hard."

"Yeah," she grunted, distracted, her eyes still focused on the screen where Shizuru stood on the podium. She couldn't hear what she was saying, but Natsuki could sense the pleasant tone in Shizuru's voice.

"I'll call you later," she muttered and hung up, not giving her mother a chance to reply.

Duran whined and moved closer to her. The phone hung loosely in one of her hands as her other absentmindedly scratched the Ainu's head. Natsuki's eyes focused and she abruptly stood up, muttering a curse underneath her breath. She went into the kitchen, rummaging to find Shizuru's address book that the other had left. Finding the number she wanted, she rapidly dialed it, and pressed the phone to her ear.

"Moshi Moshi," she heard the other side say politely after a pause, "who is—"

"You knew, didn't you!" she angrily interrupted, "Why didn't you just tell me?"

The other side was silent for a moment before Takako gently replyed, "Natsuki-san, I don't know what you are talking about."

"Why didn't you just say that she was in Kyoto instead of giving me that cryptic bullshit about 'Kyoto Festivals? You think this is fun for me?"

"Natsuki-san, what are you saying?"

"She's there…Kyoto," she said, trying to calm down. "I just saw her there…on the news."

"Oh," Takako said in surprise, "so this is what you were yelling about. Do you know how late it is?"

"…sorry."

"Never mind that. I knew Shizuru-san always visited Kyoto in the spring, especially during festival time. Isn't the Aoi Festival soon?"

"..."

"Good. Now that we have this matter settled, I will bid you goodnight. It is an ungodly hour for an old woman like me to be up. And I do need my beauty sleep," the old lady cackled, "so good night."

"Night." Natsuki said awkardly as the other hung up. She had made the call in search for an answer. However, it had only served to make her more confused. Green eyes closed in meditation, trying to calm the raging flames of inquisition in her mind. She could feel her mind pulse with an influx of ideas, situations—the many "what-ifs" began to resurface.

When she looked up, she saw Shizuru laughing at something a reporter had said before calmly replying. It was nostalgic to see her. Had it only been three weeks? Had it been so long that Shizuru had been away from her side?

Natsuki decided to go to Kyoto.

* * *

Saturday, May 15 came excruciatingly slowly. She hated how time always seemed to pass so slowly when one wanted it to move faster. It was the last few weeks of her studies: she was supposed to be studying instead of making these "jolly journeys."

Kyoto: the ancient city, former capital of Japan. From the large buildings that scraped the edges of the sky, the old wooden buildings preserved for centuries upon centuries, every part of the city pulsed with strength, beauty, and almost of history's past regrets. In that way, the city reminded her of Shizuru.

She had woken up early to get on the first subway to Kyoto. Natsuki then had spent her morning and much of her afternoon wandering around, lost in the seas of people who seemed to aimlessly wandered about, celebrating an ancient festival in this ancient city that reeked of the past…

And future. She had drifted towards the more urban part of the city in the early afternoon, engulfed in the sights and sounds of the large city. She had always lived in Fuuka, a small island that she doubted more than a handful of people knew even existed. She had been here before with Shizuru, but the city's magnitude still caught her off guard.

In truth, she didn't know why she was here, why she even came. It was futile, she knew it. How would she find _her_ in this city of past and future? Even if she did meet her in a chance encounter, even if she found her walking down a street and their eyes were to suddenly meet…what would she do? What would she say to her? Natsuki didn't know. She only acted on impulse as she always did. All she knew was that she had to be here. Something told her she had to.

And so, Natsuki continued to wander on without any purpose, any destination. Like a blind woman, she felt her way around, trying to see something. But she was blind—how could she see?

Her eyes were titled towards the earth in perpetual reflection. There was this feeling…_that_ feeling she was beginning to know all too well. It was a feeling of…something. It was so vague, but it existed, on the tip of her tongue, sunken deep into the pits of her stomach. So aggravating—she desperately wanted to reach out and grasp it, to reach that epiphany so she could become complete.

She growled in annoyance. It was an unending cycle for her. She seemed to be always searching. Once she thought she had found what she was looking for, it just fired back into her face and she became more lost and confused.

She sighed. She might as well just give up; forget about everything, about trying. There wasn't anything else she could do.

No. She couldn't do that. Her personality refused accept no for an answer. She had to find the truth, even if it destroyed her as it did all those times before.

She looked up, shot out of her reverie, and back into the world around her that was filled with alien faces. Here she was, once more in the heart of springtime Kyoto, filled with thousands of people in the midst of the graceful Aoi Festival.

Natsuki noticed a group of middle-aged women. They were talking excitedly to one another. Her acute sense of hearing picked up their foreign northern accents: they were tourist. Indiscreetly she followed them and, unsurprisingly, they merged with a sizeable crowd. She tilted her head up to see what they were looking at. She gasped; Natsuki felt her body become numb.

_She_ was dressed in a formal lavender kimono that was obviously made of expensive silk. The juban was of pure white color. The obi was a shade darker. And Natsuki knew from experience that the elegantly styled, golden brown hair was as soft as it seemed even from a distance.

A tea ceremony demonstration. Had she been in any other position, Natsuki would have laughed at the irony. Instead she stood transfixed at the woman who moved so stylishly through the customary etiquette as if it was as simple as breathing. The woman that she had always been close to was so far away from her now; she was an image, an ideal—a vision of perfection that made Natsuki wonder how _she_ had managed to capture _her_ for all those years.

Natsuki continued to watch Shizuru as if under a spell. All she could do was follow her former girlfriend with her eyes. All these years she had been holding Shizuru back. This woman had once refuted everything—all she could've been—to stay with her. Now, looking at her, Natsuki saw that Shizuru was free. Free from her.

From a distance, Shizuru's face was in a neutral expression, pleasant and characteristically gentle, forever serene. It was so different from that image that had been permanently ingrained into her head for the past few weeks: that of the teary eyed, broken Shizuru whose entire form seemed to shudder and quiver in melancholy.

As she watched her, Natsuki wondered why she let Shizuru walk away. Could she have done something? Couldn't she have reached out, call her name once more, and beg her not to go?

No. Even now, she couldn't. She was still so broken, lost. Full of holes…Shizuru would only flow through those cracks once again even if she could hold her.

But, Natsuki just couldn't leave. So she stood, watching, staring at Shizuru who moved with ritual purpose, lost in the customs of time in this city that stood in between the edges of past and present.

Before she could snap herself from her daze, it was over. Shizuru had stood up, bowed, and departed. People had already started to leave, all talking to one another in excited or awed voices. Natsuki just stood there, like she had done weeks ago, only able to stare at where the other woman had left.

That indescribable feeling returned to her, stronger.

When she regained her ability to walk, Natsuki left as fast as she could, only to return the next Saturday. She had heard from a passerby that Shizuru gave a demonstration every week.

She now spent her Saturdays in Kyoto. Perhaps she was slightly masochistic…every moment she stood there staring at Shizuru was like a dagger through her chest. Every single time, every second, Shizuru seemed to untouchable…unreachable to her. She seemed like a glorious dream, the green light that she sought to reach, to touch, to hold in her grasp and never let go.

Yet, every single time, at the end of the demonstration when the Kyoto native would look up from her presentation to take questions, Natsuki found herself unable to move from her spot. She found herself unwilling to be recognized from the crowd. It was because those feelings of inadequacy would return. She was afraid, so very afraid.

And so every week the cycle began anew.

* * *

"Are you one of her fans?" a man asked her during her third visit.

"What?" she snapped, annoyed that someone had the nerve to ask _her_ that question.

She turned to look at the speaker. He was young, likely only a few years older than her. He had on a fancy business suit. Bright, intelligent brown eyes were the most prominent feature on his otherwise plain face and his hair was cut practically yet still remained fashionably long. Nasuki swore she somehow knew him, but couldn't recognize where.

"I don't blame you and it's not like you're the only one." The man smiled, his eyes sparkling at his joke as he indicated with a lazy wave of his hand the rest of the crowd. "But I've never seen anyone stare at her with such intensity. Do you know her? Actually, I probably should ask if I should call security."

She was taken aback for a moment, but Natsuki quickly regained her bearings. "Why do you care?" She answered angrily.

The man's hands moved, palms out as if he was trying to placate an angry beast. "Woah. No need to get all defensive. I was just asking, Creepy Stalker-san," he said playfully.

"Who are you and what the hell do you want?" she shot back angrily even though she knew it wasn't the best action. Out of her the corner of her eye, she noticed that a few people had turned in curiosity. She shot them her best irritated glare and those people quickly turned back, the crowd unconsciously moved farther away from her.

To this, the man only laughed and pretended to shield himself from her onslaught. "Seriously, just calm down. It's not like she is your…"

The man paused, staring at her as if he hadn't quite seen someone like her before. Natsuki brazenly stared back with her turbulent green. She knew him somewhere. She knew his oddly formal accent yet impolite speech.

"…No way! You're that girl, aren't you? The one that Shizuru-chan was always talking about?"

Natsuki looked at him oddly, "Shizuru…chan?"

He only laughed and continued to observe her as one would an amusing animal. "Ah, what was your name again? Kuro...Kura…"

"Kuga Natsuki," she spat. "Who are you?"

Her question caused the other to look almost offended. "You mean you don't recognize me?"

"Should I?"

"No," he said laughing. His brown eyes sparkled with unbridled mirth. "I have a rather forgettable face. I don't expect that half my employees remember what I look like." He held out his hand. "Koizumi Yasuo at your service."

Natsuki only looked at his outstretched hand before looking back to his amused face. Her annoyance seemed to be almost tangible.

He visibly sagged.

"Um, I was the former president of Fuuka Academy? Two years ahead of Shizuru-chan? That Koizumi Yasuo?"

She shrugged. No, she didn't remember.

Yasuo stumbled back as if he had been hit before he started laughing again. "Aww, I guess some people never change. I remember you now, Kuga Natsuki, the cute middle school student who was always getting into trouble, who nearly failed every single year due to a dismal attendance record."

Natsuki merely glared at him, her hands where clenched into fists. She was seconds from jumping on to him and ripping out his throat and or his perfect teeth.

"And you're that one that Shizuru-chan was always so interested in. She watched you all the time. I don't think she knew it back then, what she felt. I did wonder why she never showed any interest in her many suitors," Yasou said candidly as if he was commenting on the weather. "Just like I wondered why Shizuru-chan didn't immediately come back home after she graduated. But she's back…and you are here."

Natsuki watch him warily as she tried to discern how this bumbling fool was connected to Shizuru. She never did pay attention to the outside world, always absorbed in her own. It was becoming painfully obvious that she was paying for it now.

"So…why are you here?"

She didn't know what to say to his question. Why was she here? She couldn't think of anything and so, she did what she did naturally: act upon impulse.

"I wanted to talk to her again. I just…didn't know how," she lied.

Yasuo kept his amused smile on his face and shrugged. "OK then."

"Ok what," she asked, confused.

"I'll arrange a meeting between you and my cute kohai-turned senpai. She's free tomorrow afternoon from three-to-five o'clock. Just come to the company headquarters and tell the front desk I sent you."

Natsuki didn't know what else to do but accept his offer.

"Great. It's a date then," he said, winking at her before he walked away.

When the gravity of the situation finally hit her, Natsuki cursed inwardly, wondering what was she thinking. No, she didn't want to talk to Shizuru, not now at least. It was too early; she wasn't ready to face her again. Besides, what would she say?

She turned to look up at Shizuru, trying to regain her unstable wits. Once more, she cursed at her weakness before she too left.


	5. D5

**Delirium  
Chapter 5**

"You're not busy today," Yasuo stated.

Shizuru looked up from the paper she was reading. "That would be correct," she said evenly, "but you already know that, seeing how you serve as my aide."

Yasuo laughed before he shrugged his shrugged his shoulders, "I'm more like freeloader. I'm still getting paid by your father, only now all I have to do is watch you do my job better than I did it."

"That is not true."

Her modest comment caused Yasuo to roll his eyes. "Please. At least they remember your face. Then again, it isn't hard to," he said flirtatiously before winking at her.

"I thought we have gone over this before, senpai."

"Thousands of times, Madame Soon-to-be-President, and you know full well that I say it with the humor of a caring older brother."

"Oh? Then I must thank you, _onii-san._"

"You are very welcome," Yasuo replied playfully. He stood up and moved towards the desk where Shizuru sat. "Besides, it positively warms my heart knowing that I'm training the future successor of the Fujino dynasty."

He picked up a small paperweight from the desk and began to lightly toss it as he carefully chose his next words:

"I've never questioned your decisions or actions before, Shizuru-chan. Neither has your father. Both of us are pleased that you've come back to where you rightfully belong. We accept you with no strings attached," he said before he paused for a moment to turn and give her an affable smile. "But you are working too hard. Don't think I haven't noticed how you make sure you have no free time. That isn't like the girl I used to know at all. And so, I have taken it upon myself to remedy this terrible affliction that has befallen my cute Shizuru-chan."

The burgundy eyed woman raised an inquisitive eyebrow, "And that would be…"

"I met one of your old fangirls yesterday. Seeing how you have worked so efficiently like I expected, I've arranged a meeting between you two. Hopefully—ah, there she is," he said when he heard a hesitant knock on the door. "Excuse me for a moment."

He moved toward the door and opened it.

"Excuse the interruption." Natsuki said politely as she walked into the office.

* * *

She wasn't sure what she was expecting when she walked in, but Natsuki was sure that it wasn't the look of shock on Shizuru's face. The other woman's face visibly paled—even she could see it from where she was standing, feet away from the other's desk. Shizuru's eyes widened in surprise and then quickly became unreadable, shielded by years of training.

There she was, the woman who had consumed her thoughts for weeks. There she stood as stiff as a dead body. Shizuru looked the same: it wasn't like she could physically change in a few weeks. Her hair was twisted into a simple knot over her head and she was dressed in a simple yet stylish business suit. Oddly enough, it was the same as the one she had wore on television. It was obvious that Shizuru wasn't expecting her; the only thing the woman could do was to stare at her.

All Natsuki could do was stare back, her words frozen in her mouth. She had been thinking about what to say since she accidentally put herself in this situation. Yet, in the face of Shizuru, she couldn't remember anything she had practiced or thought of saying.

Here Natsuki stood in silence. There Shizuru sat in silence.

And then, Shizuru's eyes narrowed, darkening into a bloody red. She turned to look at a confused Yasuo. A single word fell harshly into the air, uttered in deadly solemnity:

"Leave."

The brown-haired man quickly hid his confusion, unsure what exactly was transpiring, and left the room. The door barely made a sound as it closed.

Natsuki felt just as confused. She had never seen the other like this before. She summoned back her strength, her resolve to get this conversation over with. Her objective was unclear; she still wasn't sure why she came. No, there wasn't anything else she could do.

"Shizuru..."

Shizuru's eyes narrowed dangerously even more and a frown was evident on her face. "You shouldn't be here, Natsuki," she said, no…she stated.

"I wanted to see you."

She watched as Shizuru posture became even more rigid as if she was containing all her emotions in, straining to keep them in control. The silence between them was nearly tangible. The ticking of the clock behind her seem to boom in her ears along with the beating of her heart.

"Why are you here?" Shizuru asked coldly.

"Am I not allowed to see you?"

Even though she was a person that was never nervous, Natsuki was beginning to feel so. This atmosphere, something about if felt wrong. It was a convoluting mist of hostility.

The golden browned-haired woman abruptly stood up. Pens and papers fell forgotten on the floor. "Why are you here?" Shizuru repeated. Even though her voice was strained, Natsuki couldn't detect the emotion in those words. She could only feel how tense, how tight those words were uttered from the usually relaxed woman.

"Shizuru?"

Natsuki realized that wasn't the best reply as Shizuru's palms slammed against the desk, the sound frighteningly and uncharacteristically loud. And then the only thing Natsuki could hear was Shizuru's anger.

"Do you think this is amusing to you, Natsuki, coming here?" Shizuru said, her voice dangerously soft—a knife upon the velvet, accentuated by a thick accent.

Natsuki instinctively bristled. "What's wrong with you?" she asked, becoming irritated.

"You're asking what is wrong with _me_?" Shizuru spat out angrily. "When here you are, in front of me as if you had the right—

"You mean I have to have a right to come before you?" Natsuki interrupted. "Who do—

"Natsuki, you don't have the right to come barging into my life. You think I'm just going to placidly come back to you so you can just continue on with your life as if nothing happened? That you didn't, for years, just throw me to a side? Do you think I haven't tried to stay with you, doing everything I could to make you happy?

"I've—

"_I've _tried, tried everything. It hurt me to leave you, but it hurts even more to stay with you as you continued to act as if we're still in high school," Shizuru said bitterly. "Every single day I thought it would be different—maybe today Natsuki will actually see for who I am. Maybe one day she will accept my love for what it is."

Shizuru's head snapped back up, staring at her with righteous anger burning in her wine-colored eyes. "But no. All you did was turn away, you were always staring at something—someone else. You would always be too busy chasing your dreams to look back to where I waited for you. I was never good enough for you!"

"That's no true. I—

"I should've known better than to hope. I should've known back in high school that this would happen. I should've of known ever since that day when your mother came back that something like this would always happen. I…I would give my life for you just so that you can go on living your little fantasy! And yet—do you know how it felt to see you kissing him while I lay bleeding on the floor? You might as well kill me, Natsuki!"

Shizuru had brought herself into a frenzied state. She was screaming now, furious tears lay unshed in her eyes. Natsuki had never seen her so angry.

And Shizuru wasn't finished with her spiel.

"Do you know how hard I worked trying to help, protect you? Who do you think was supporting you all those years, making sure you didn't kill yourself or get thrown in jail? And what do I get? I thought I finally had you but I was wrong. Every single time you kiss me, you destroyed me a little more. I'm…I'm not the one you think of. I'm…not the one."

Shizuru seemed to finally regained control of herself. Her voice had softened and her words were only despondent. Pain and longing were still evident in her eyes, but even more dominant was the emotion of sad resignation.

If time suddenly stopped, intransigent in a vibrant, picturesque standstill, there she would be standing with her perfect posture, surrounded in an aura of melancholy, despondency. There her eyes, cast down, would burn in a forever looping time with only the expression of a passion lost, harbored in vain. Wounds were open, raw, flowing from those eyes that seemed to bleed everything she had slowly accumulated through years. There Shizuru would stand, a proud grieving woman. Yet time trickled onwards.

"It no longer matters. I finally wash my hands of you...Natsuki. I want nothing to do with you."

Natsuki had no idea what to say or do. The expression in her emerald green eyes was soft, inquisitive, as she tried to understand what she had just heard…but she felt short. She knew not what had just transpired. She too stood there, only her posture seemed to be caught in mid-run: knees bent, hands open; like she was trying to catch up with something. She straightened slowly, her eyes never left the other woman's despite Shizuru's efforts to not look at her.

"Shizuru…" She too whispered, hesitantly, sadly. She heard her own voice crack but there were no tears in her eyes.

"Please leave me, Natsuki." The other woman begged her, her eyes finally meeting hers. Natsuki couldn't take the scrutiny and she looked down.

"I…"

"Don't say anything. Just leave."

Silence took reign again as Natsuki closed her eyes. It was here that the moment had passed by. It was here where her chance to regain everything she had lost laid. It was here that her second chance stood. But she had not taken it—her. She had been blown off course by the very person she sought. It didn't matter now; everything didn't matter. There was nothing she could do.

"Fine," Natsuki replies quietly. There was sadness in her voice, but there was also a sense of detachment. Like she wasn't really there—like she was watching the scene transpire from the view of an onlooker. Everything seemed so far away from her.

Natsuki turned around and opened the door, bypassing Yasuo who stood protectively like an eerie gargoyle in his gray business suit. She knew by instinct that she would not be followed. When reaching the floor's elevator, her gaze was cast down.

When the elevator doors shut with finality and began its descent, only then did Yasuo look back into the office. There Shizuru stood, facing the outside, a single hand pressed on the glass wall. From the angle he stood, he could not determine her features. Slowly, his eyes closed in his own resignation before he quietly slid out of the room and soundlessly shut the door behind him.


	6. D5:omake

A/N: Back when I was writing the D-series, a few people brought up how angst-y the entire thing was. And I totally agreed-even though I try to put a few breathers in the chapters before crazy stuff went down, I realized that it was really heavy to read as a whole. But at the same time, there's really no way around it. I was writing a fic that had to do with a harsh break up. The "what-if" that the fic revolves around is "What if Shizuru and Natsuki got together without Natsuki really understanding what it means to love?"

But still, I'm a silly person with a childish personality. Can get a little srs buisness about the whole writing thing from time-to-time, but enjoy making a fool of self too. And, uh, that's the only way to explain this omake. My sixteen year-old self's sense of stupid humor. If you want to preserve the mood and the atmosphere of the fic, I suppose I should warn you that this omake is a parody of the previous chapter and highly suggest that you skip it.

**Delirium  
Chapter 5 O.M.A.K.E! **

**O**therwise **M**eans **A**ttack **K**uga **E**nergetically! (Because all good Sunrise acronyms deserve another)

When Kuga Natsuki entered the room she did not expect to see Shizuru on the floor sobbing her heart out. Yasuo gave her an odd glance before he ran out of the room mumbling curses under his breath in heavy Kansai-ben.

"Shizuru?" Natsuki asked cautiously and wondering what all this was about.

Suddenly Shizuru's head whipped up, her gaze shot up towards the heavens, parting the sky, moon, stars, pies, cherry pies, disgusting broccoli and cheese soup, the Red Sea…and then, when her eyes settled on Natsuki, she then gasped!

"Natsuki!" Shizuru cried out before she crawled towards the other on her knees, positively wrinkling her pretty business suit.

If Natsuki wasn't the complete badass biker lady-girl person she was, she would've fainted on the spot. Surely this wasn't the same universe! After all, didn't she, weeks ago, see Shizuru leave her with the expression of a kicked puppy on her face? What was happening?

She had absolutely no idea.

"Um…Shizuru?" Natsuki asked cautiously, inching towards her one might a potentially rabid animal. The biker lady didn't want upset the other woman even further.

Shizuru started sniffling and crawled closer to where Natsuki stood before latching onto the other woman's legs and wailing, "What's wrong with me, Natsuki? Why can't I do anything correctly?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Shizuru sniffle before crying out, "I seem to drive everyone away. EVERYONE away. I'm sorry—sorry NATSUKI!" Here Shizuru started to sob. "It's all my fault. Do you think I'm too forward? Am I too forward? Kami-sama, I _am_ too forward, am I? I'm sorry Natsuki!"

"Um…Shizuru? Are you drunk?"

There was a pause and Shizuru looked up with teary (but sober) eyes. She then said:

"Do I look like I'm drunk? Do I look like I'm DRUNK, NATSUKI?" she sobbed. "No! I am plagued by the thousands heartaches that tear me apart. I shall, in the bleak winter of my heart, wither and die. I know now that I will die alone. ALONE without anyone around me! I will be in my grave and no one will be at my funeral because I am a terrible person."

"T-That's not true. I'll be at your funeral?"

This statement caused Shizuru to burst out into another wave of fresh tears. "ALONE ALONE ALONE!" she wailed like a professional wailer. "I will become an old, angry business woman whose only pleasures are crushing all oppositions and drinking gyokuro…warm, comforting gyokuro on a relaxing summer…ALONE!" she cried again for good measure.

"A-ah…Shizuru. Get off me. I can't breathe." Natsuki said as she started to flail her arms around trying to balance herself as the beautiful golden brown haired woman latched onto her waist like a leech.

"Oh, Natsuki, what am I going to do? What did I do to you? I'm so, so, sorry. Kannin na, Natsuki I will never ever everevereverever leave you again. I will never let go!"

"Shi…zu…ru…let me…go. I can't…I can't breathe," Natsuki gasped as her waist was crushed under the other's surprisingly powerful grip. And then, when Shizuru shifted her weight, Natsuki crashed painfully into the ground. It was in the bullet time of her descent that Natsuki noticed how the office was in complete disarray. Papers were all over the floor, chairs overturned, a window opened causing even more papers to boldly stream through the air like a flag or perhaps a kite. Natsuki trembled; panicked; hyperventilated. Oh what could she do? She had to wake up somehow from this nightmarish scenario.

"Natsuki?" Shizuru said as she paused for a moment, loosening her grip, and wondered what possessed Natsuki beat her pretty blue head onto the carpeted floor.

"Need. To. Wake. Up. Now!" Natsuki grunted.

Shizuru stared at Natsuki for a moment before she resumed her previous action. Only now one of her hands was snaked across Natsuki's neck, holding head in place to prevent from further head-bashing. The other was wrapped around Natsuki's torso while Shizuru's head rested on the crook of the blue haired woman's neck.

"See! I'm such a terrible person that I would cause Natsuki to believe that this world is a dream! That I would drive Natsuki to a point which she wants to kill herself! Oh what a wretched person I am, harboring these perverse feelings! Woe is me! Upon me! …what was that Natsuki?"

"I CAME HERE TO SAY I'M SORRY SHIZURU! NOW GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!"

"Natsuki?" Shizuru looked up from her spiel.

"I CAME TO SAY I WAS SORRY SHIZURU! I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO WHATEVER I DID TO YOU."

Shizuru paused before shifting upwards to look at the person she was once smothering.

"Really?" she asked.

"YES!"

"Oh…alright then." Shizuru said and promptly stood up and started to straighten her clothes.

"…what?"

"I said it was all right then, were you not listening?" Shizuru asked pleasantly with an unreadable smile on her face.

"W-what just happened?"

"Nothing. I was just waiting for you to confess your grievances. I expect something like what I have just performed in one week." This was said as Shizuru began to clean the room with frightening efficiency.

"Wait…what?"

"It should be either formally typed and on my desk or acted out, preferably on a Sunday. One o'clock would be perfect. Other than that, I believe I am done with you for now, Kuga-san. I bid you farewell and I will see you soon to discuss other arrangements." Shizuru continued placidly as she gently ushered the other out of her now spotless room.

Natsuki was speechless and remained speechless as she stared at the now closed door, wondering what exactly had just transpired.


	7. D6

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day. Have a V Day related drabble-thing to go with D6. Might as well since the story goes downhill from here.

**Satisfication**

Natsuki glared at Shizuru, irritated by the other girl's satisfied expression. Even so, she was painfully aware of the heat radiating off her cheeks and she was even more hypersensitive to the fact that the Student Council President was so close to her. So close that their noses were almost touching, so close that she felt Shizuru's breath on her face. It caused her heartbeat to speed up and blood to pound in her ears.

It just wasn't fair, her mind raged. All she wanted was a piece of chocolate. She didn't mind if it was a small piece as long as she had some. And, really, the other girl didn't have to mercilessly tease her like this! Did Shizuru derive that much pleasure in saying, "Help yourself," before placing the edge of the last bit in her mouth and presenting it to her in such a frivolous fashion?

"I hate you," the blue-haired girl said halfheartedly.

Shizuru somehow managed to look even more pleased with herself. Her burgundy-colored eyes seemed to glitter with amusement and self-satisfaction.

"You're the worst human being to ever exist."

Shizuru giggled and moved forward, brushing the other side of the sweet gently across Natsuki's lips.

The shorter girl knew if she spoke again she would be instantly defeated. Instead, Natsuki decided to take the offensive. She more-or-less tackled Shizuru, pinning her to the back of the couch. She then pressed her open mouth against the other girl's lips-quickly taking advantage of Shizuru's shock-and stole the entire piece of candy. As she drew back, she savored the expression on her surprised and deeply blushing girlfriend.

Though the taste of the chocolate was sweet on her tongue, the image before her eyes was even sweeter.

* * *

Manga Notes:

-Even at the end, HiME's s kept their powers.

******Delirium  
Chapter 6**

She felt herself slowly release a held breath as she stared at her reflection on a glass wall. It barely existed, her reflection, because the light from the noonday sun dimmed her image. Shizuru could see the rest of Kyoto in motion from the twenty-second floor of her father's company. Looking down, she saw the city go about its business as people ran about, lost in their own lives. Looking forward, she saw a face with an unreadable expression; it was one that had been trained in the cold practice of hiding emotions. She studied this face—her face in intense scrutiny, trying to read it. Her reflection did the same.

Framed by a honey colored mane, her angular jawbones merged at a delicate but firm chin that seemed to depict its owner's peculiar brand of stubbornness. There were high cheekbones, almost Western-like despite her very Japanese heritage, that furthered along her resolute appearance. There were full lips of a delicate pink, soft, like the petals of a cherry blossom that was currently set in a firm frown. Despite her youth, there was aged wisdom hidden in the contours of her face, a maturity that commanded respect. And, yes, there was grace that flowed through her like blood did her veins. There were her perfectly angled eyebrows that normally gave her a natural gentle expression though now they were pushed downwards towards her tall nose as if trying to meet those impassive burgundy.

She continued to study this reflection and realized something: she could not discern the emotions that were guarded from this—her face. That was troubling; she couldn't read her own expression. She had trained herself too well. Shizuru finally gave up and closed her eyes, falling back into not-so distant memories.

_"It's been a while since I've last seen you," Fujino Tatsuya said, smiling a smile that could only be described as one a proud father would give to his beloved daughter._

_Shizuru looked up from where she was pouring tea. "You have my apologies," she replied._

_"I will have none of that today, Shizu-chan. Let's skip the formalities," he said before he leaned over the table and whispered conspiratorially, "seeing how your mother isn't here."_

_She matched her father's mischievous expression with her own. "Do you do this with all your associates?" she asked._

_He nodded confidently and proceeded to boyishly run his hand through his graying blonde hair. "Of course, it is customary for me to bring all my business partners to this teishoku-ya and inform them that we are free to giggle and act like little schoolgirls," he chuckled before growing serious. "So tell me why you are visiting earlier than usual."_

_Shizuru set down her teacup. She then sighed. _

"_Will you allow me to work for you?"_

_Tatsuya's shrewd red eyes seemed to penetrate her, leaving her defenseless to his merciless gaze. If she had been anything less than her father's daughter, Shizuru would have shrunk back._

_"Trouble in paradise, eh? I did warn you," he replied, glancing disapprovingly up at Shizuru. "Well, at least your mother will be happy. She never did accept the fact you have your dear father's taste in beautiful women."_

_Despite his playful speech, the President's gaze continued to remain hard as he cut straight to the point. "I have always been prepared. As a businessman, I will allow you to begin whenever you want. You would do well to remember that you belong here, not on some small island living a simple life—you have been trained to and will be more. You are the only one competent enough to take my place and my empire will have its rightful heir."_

_He paused again, his expression softened greatly. Reaching over the small table, the elder Fujino patted his daughter's cheek. "But, as a father, I wish you only happiness. I can't bear to see you like you are now. Show me your real smile, Shizu-chan." _

Her frown widened. Shizuru turned and walked away from her reflection.

* * *

Another two weeks had passed. The last remnants of spring had already given way to passionate summer. Natsuki had graduated, surprisingly, even with her mind heavy with recent events. Not to mention she still spent her Saturdays in Kyoto. It had become a habit for her to watch her former lover from far away, hidden in the crowds.

But apparently she hadn't hidden herself well enough. Two week ago Shizuru had, by chance, turned and met her eyes. The results had been disastrous. The golden brown haired woman had dropped the bowl in her hands just as she was about to serve it, her gaze never left her green ones. Then those deep wine-colored eyes narrowed and darkened with an emotion akin to fiery hatred. It felt as if a knife had been impaled into her chest. Shizuru had then abruptly stood up and left the platform without a word. The crowd had erupted into confused babble while she was stood there, unable to stop a shiver that ran down her spine.

Natsuki looked down to her dessert. She had stopped at an outdoor café as she had done a week before when Shizuru didn't appear at the demonstration. She had stood there with the rest of the disappointed crowd when another woman showed up and apologized. Fujino-san had too much work, that woman had said.

Natsuki bit her lip, wondering what she should do. It was almost beginning, the allotted time when Shizuru would start her demonstration. What would she do if she didn't see her there? What would she do if she did see her there?

She had been thinking, still unable to find what she wanted to do. But she couldn't just stop or give up. She had been through these thoughts before. There had to be something else she could do.

"Oh? Who is this that I see?" Someone said in front of her; she could practically hear the smirk in the speaker's tone. She also recognized the voice and snapped her head up.

"Nao."

"So you do remember me," Yuuki Nao smirked. She looked older, of course, than what she last remembered. Four years did that to a person. Actually, it had been longer than that. She barely saw her after that fateful year. When Shizuru had graduated, she let go of Nao's debts to the Student Council.

"It would be impossible to forget you," she growled as she jammed her spoon back into her ice cream.

"Looks like someone still has problems managing her anger," the red haired woman laughed before whispering into the ear of the male she was latched onto. The man nodded and left.

Natsuki twitched before retorting, "And it looks like someone is still a slut."

"What can I say, old habits die hard." Nao smirked. "Actually, I've been dating him for a year. I'm past my teenage…dalliances. What's your excuse?"

"She's standing five feet in front of me," Nastuki muttered darkly.

"That hurts." Green eyes that were a shade lighter than her own glittered with amusement as Nao slid into an unoccupied seat. She leaned towards Natsuki with a grin that would have made the Cheshire cat proud. "What brings you to Kyoto?"

"None of your business."

"How cruel. Am I'm not allowed the pleasure of asking how my former _dear_ schoolmate is doing?"

"Yeah," Natsuki replied bluntly before reaching into her bag to pull out a bottle of mayo and spilling a generous amount on her ice cream. She crammed a spoonful into her mouth. This had the effect she had wanted, like Shizuru (and most sane people), Yuuki Nao recoiled in horror.

"…that's mayo. You're eating…ice cream…with mayo," Nao twitched, trying to grasp her mind around the concept.

Natsuki nodded, savoring her moment of victory, and took another bite.

Nao cringed again before she slowly regained her bearing. "You're not going to get rid of me with such childish tactics. So tell me: does your stay in this city have to do with a particular woman with, say, golden brown hair and reddish colored eyes? She's rather tall, elegant, and I guess pretty if you're into that sort of thing."

Natsuki's only reply was a silence accompanied by a glare which could petrify anyone save a select few. Unfortunately the redhead was one of those "select few."

"I'll take that as a 'yes.'" She remarked snidely before dramatically sighing. "You're so pathetic."

"I don't want to hear that from you."

"Oh? Then who?"

"Not you," Natsuki replied, her temper rising.

"Oh? It is because I, unlike you, overcame my problems? Or is that I've been able to move on with my life while you're still moping?" Nao laughed derisively. "I have to say, I turned out just fine and I didn't have some multi-billionaire's nearly perfect daughter holding my hand, guiding me step by step, and still failing."

Natsuki stood up and slammed her hands into the small, flimsy table. "Take that back!"

"Or what?" Nao asked, looking at her nails. "You'll drive me to do something desperate? Please. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened and I left that accursed island as soon as I graduated high school. You make me sick, Kuga."

"Then why are you still talking to me?"

"What can I say? I was here on a date, saw you, and couldn't resist gloating. Look at you: you haven't changed a bit. It's been more than a couple years yet I still see the same, confused first year high school student glaring back at me." The younger woman leered. "If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what is."

Natsuki reached forward and grabbed Nao's shirt, pulling the red head towards her. "Don't talk as if you know me. You don't know what I've been through."

Nao matched her glare with her own; lighter green eyes glittered at her dangerously. "Boo hoo. Life sucked for you. But guess what: you're not the only one. Isn't that amazing?"

Power swirled around Nao's form, not enough for a passerby to notice, but Natsuki could feel the energy gather to materialize an Element. It wasn't enough to summon the weapon, but the gathering energy made Nastuki release her grip in surprise.

"It's been a while since I unsheathed with my claws," Nao said, smiling darkly. "Want to have a rematch? There's no one to help you this time, Kuga."

Natsuki met her challenge with another glare. She threw down some change for her melted ice cream and angrily followed Nao to a nearby fifteen storied department store. They took the stairs and Nao summoned her claws, expertly breaking the locks that hindered their ascension. When they reached the rooftop, Natsuki summoned her Element. The familiar weight of her small guns was comforting, almost nostalgic. Even though she had some time to calm down, it wasn't enough. Her stubborn mind had been made.

First things first.

She had something to prove.

"As you see here, it is paramount to have our major investors fund this portion of—

"Forgive me Yasuo-senpai, but can we pick this up tomorrow? I am not feeling well."

A look of concern flashed by the brown haired man's face, paving way for a wave of emotions that seemed to flood his countenance before finally settling on resignation. "Alright then, we'll pick this up another day. Get some rest, Shizuru-chan."

Shizuru nodded gratefully, closing her eyes. She felt two hands upon her shoulders. "If you ever want to talk…"

"That is enough. I will see you Monday."

He nodded, knowing his helplessness in the situation. With a heavy sigh, Yasuo gathered his papers and put them into his suitcase. "I'm sorry, Shizuru. I didn't know," he said finally.

"Go," Shizuru said, her voice hardened into a command.

When her childhood friend left, Shizuru sighed deeply. The last few weeks had been hard on her. She had thought that time would heal her wounds, yet she often found herself thinking of her—Natsuki—when she least suspected it. It was too hard sometimes. It was those days where she threw herself into her work, trying not to think. Sleep also came hard to her.

"Natsuki," she whispered softly.

It had been difficult to leave her. She had planned it for months, trying to gather her courage. She had also waited and waited, trying to delay her decision as much as she could. Maybe today she will look at me differently, she willed herself to believe. Tomorrow, she will finally see me. It would be…tomorrow...

She had always known. Deep in her heart—Shizuru had always known. Yet she was too weak, too obsessed with trying to get closer to her. She did get close to her, yet she never got what she wanted. Natsuki's heart was still so far away.

The past few years had been a cruel torture for her. It had been so sweet at times. There were days where she actually felt that she was loved the way she wanted to be—that she and Natsuki were actually on the same wavelength. Those were dearly cherished days were always soon followed by the blue haired girl retreating back into her shell when she realized that she was becoming too open, too vulnerable.

If she hadn't been so well bred, Shizuru would have let out a frustrated scream, clutched her head, and wondered what god she had displeased to be tormented like this.

She stood up and turned to face the glass walls of her office. It had become her favorite place in her office—she could see a great deal from above. After all, this building was one of the tallest in Kyoto.

It was comforting to be able to look down and see the city move at its own rhythm. That, despite her inner turmoil, life went on as it always did.

There.

She spotted something unusual. She could see two figures on a rooftop from a far off distance. They moved quickly at an almost inhumanly speed, caught in some kind of dance. She barely made out glittering red wires that seemed to trail one of the figure's hands that twisted back and forth as the figure dodged, ducked, and weaved. Once and a while the thin red strings were snapped forward to counteract the other figure's…

Shizuru's eyes widened. The other figure was followed by a long trail of blue. In the wind, her hair whipped to and from with a life of its own. Speckles of a lighter blue seem to explode from that figure's hands. That could only mean that it was…

"Natsuki."

* * *

"What's the matter? Can't keep up _Natsuki-chan?_" the younger woman taunted as she ran forward, claws outstretched. Nao's right wrist flicked upwards, the dangerous red wires connected to the nails of her Element sliced through her ice bullets with ease.

Natsuki kept her face expressionless as she ran forwards, dodging the strings that lashed towards her like a whip. There was no chance she was going to lose to Nao. That would just be pitiful. She aimed and fired two more shots towards the other.

* * *

Shizuru's eyes narrowed, her hands closed into fists. Was that a reason why she couldn't connect to Natsuki, because she wasn't a HiME like her? That she didn't know what it was like, she hadn't played a pivotal role in saving the school back then? But she had, it was just her battles had always been in the background, the subtle ones. That was the way she preferred to fight, even if she had to suffer under the veil of anonymity.

She wished she had the power to do something, to change her circumstances. Why couldn't she escape this endless cycle? Her forehead touched cool glass; her fists collided with the clear wall that prevented her from a huge descent.

There!

There it was! that animalistic feeling of hers that she could not control. It rose inside of her while she leaned against the glass wall. She wanted to break out of this wall that oppressed her, caged her. She wanted to shatter everything that kept her from Natsuki. It didn't matter if she would plunge to her demise—she would at least be one step closer to her. That was her first priority, as it had always been since she met and fell in love with Kuga Natsuki.

Why was it that she could only stare from afar at the tiny image of the person she wanted to be closest to? Like they were standing on two separate planes of reality that she could for only a moment, when the two collide, _feel_ her, _touch_ her. She had felt and touched her, but it wasn't enough. She wasn't able to be sated with so little.

Why was it that the first person that she was able to connect with—the one that she didn't have to be Fujino Shizuru the paragon Japanese woman, perfect in every way—had to act like this? She was selfish, but…shouldn't she have the one thing she wanted, the only thing she ever desired—why couldn't she have it? It was cruel, unfair.

Emotions continued to rise in her like bile, pouring out of her while she seethed and pounded against the glass walls. Tears of frustration broke out as years of repressed emotions finally broke Fujino Shizuru.

She didn't know how to—no, she refused to lose. This was one thing she cherished the most, she wouldn't lose. She should be hers. Her eyes opened, bloody red eyes seemed to glow with a certain fire, one whose light couldn't be wholly sane. She should be hers!

"Damn you, Kuga Natsuki!" She screamed. The scar at her side that she had received from Doctor Kuga's bullet seemed to burn with fervent energy, eagerly drinking up her turmoil.

Her body seemed to shake with her rage, her grief. They were one and the same, fueling her as she gasped for air, shuddering with the pure emotion she felt. Her mind seemed to move all to fast for her, dilating—thoughts seemed to travel through her at light speed until everything suddenly…stopped.

The warmth of her body was suddenly enveloped by coldness. Rather, the sensation was centered on her waist as if ghostly arms were wrapped around her. Shizuru shivered, her muscles slackened involuntarily.

"Poor dear," she heard a voice say with hardly a sound, a whisper on still air, a feather's touch on cotton. She almost didn't hear it. "Poor unhappy child. Is love what is troubling you because it won't be returned?"

There was no doubt some…thing was there with her. She could feel a tiny breeze as the voice continued to whisper, its icy lips almost touched her ear.

"Soothe your worries and insecurities. There is no trouble here." It blew like a promise on satin as its ghostly arms around her waist slithered higher, trailing her arms before it grasped them and pulled them closer, wrapping Shizuru's arms around her body so that she was hugging herself. She tingled at the sensation, her arms felt cold, dead, and not her own. "All is yours."

She tensed and forced herself to take a step forward. She moved as if nothing was hindering her, holding her body. But something had to be there. Unless she really had gone insane. That would be perfect, as if she didn't have enough to worry about.

"Who are you?" she spat, spinning to face the rest of the room. An empty room met her.

A chill colder than a winter's blizzard was felt on both her shoulders. The invisible force pushed her to the wall and held her there; it felt stronger this time, more tangible. Her feet hovered inches above the floor. She could now discern the barest outline. It was…humanistic.

"The question, Fujino Shizuru, should have been 'what am I worth to you.' I am disappointed." The figure's lips seemed to hover near her own; frigid air seemed to steal the very heat from her. "I thought you were smarter than to ask childish questions."

Her eyes darkened, narrowing as she felt anger swell inside of her. "Very well. What are you worth to me?" Shizuru asked.

The entity laughed. As it did, its form became more and more solid. Now, it was a silver mist.

"Everything, Fujino Shizuru."

The pressure that pinned her to her place lessened and she slid back to the carpeted floor.

"You hate it, do you not? The feeling of inability. You loathe the fact that you are forced by the world to conform. By circumstance as well. You want to control it all. You only exist when you are in control of the situation." The voice echoed from her room. It was growing stronger and stronger until it now spoke in normal tone. The sound was smooth and contained the assurance that only power and knowledge could give.

"You have power and status. But it is not enough power to do what you wish. Your status does not help you. No, he—she does not care about status. She cares about the world more than you. You are nothing to her but a mere experience."

"Why do you care?" Shizuru retorted, her chest heaving. The scar at her right side burned.

"Your interests are my own. It is because…" The voice continued melodically like a serenade, enticing her into its fold. The voice began to sound…feminine.

"Your emotions nurtured me. They fed me until I have grown strong. I was not supposed to exist this time with power. Neither were you, but your emotions were so powerful that you stole me from my resting place."

Shizuru's mind raced, trying to come up with a conclusion. "Are you an Orphan?"

It—no, she laughed. "Not anymore. I was not supposed to even be one."

The figure appeared behind her again, Shizuru felt a cold, smooth arm wrap around her shoulders and a hand caressed her cheek.

"I, like you, was only a mere human. But I grew stronger. At death, I left my body and possessed those beasts that you humans call Orphans, contorting them into my own image. Years and years passed and I gained power, but it was not power I could control. I needed someone. A container if you will."

"You found me, Ghost-san." She closed her eyes. Her body had relaxed.

"No, you found me. You took me inside of you and fed me with all your emotions. Your grief, your love, your rage—they made me grow stronger until I am here." She said, moving away from Shizuru once again to sit on top of her desk.

"I am here," she reaffirmed, fully materializing into a young woman. She had extremely pale skin and a voluptuous frame. She was dressed in a violet kimono made out of decent silk that hung loosely to her form. The obi was a gold color that seemed to glow. It was not an expensive kimono; it was more like one perhaps a merchant's daughter or perhaps a well-to-do innkeeper's would wear. Long, dark purple hair spilled across her shoulders and golden eyes stared at her with frightening intensity, cutting through her like a knife through water. Her eyes were slit like a snake's and they seemed to possess hypnotic qualities; she found it impossible to look away. The blood red lips on the ghost were split into a smile, showing pointed canines.

"Doesn't that make you my Mother?" the ghost asked, laughing. "Then…Mother, tell your obedient Child what it is that you wish."

Shizuru's scar grew hotter and hotter. It felt as if her very skin was being burnt into a different shape. The ghost moved forward until she stood next to Shizuru and wrapped her arms around her neck. Even though she was slightly shorter, she seemed to topple, enveloped her as she whispered into her ears once more sweet nothings.

The world around her seemed to shift, she felt herself being transported from her office to a rooftop. Her vision swirled and all she could see were mixtures of brown. When it cleared, she saw two women staring at her in aghast.

Her adopted Child's voice whispered inside of her, her silky voice echoed in her mind.

"Say my name, Mother, and I will give everything to you. Just say my name."

She looked up to see shocked in green eyes, but she did not quite see. Her body now pulsed with comforting energy; her vision swam in her eerie delirium. She felt calm, confident. Invincible, as if nothing—no, nothing could stop her. Her right reached out and she felt energy gather until it focused into a weapon that best fit her, her Element. With a voice colder than the ghost's touch, she said:

"Kiyohime."


	8. D7

A/N: Oops, I thought I finished putting this up. My bad. I forgot what my policy was with the earlier chapters, but I'm just going to keep the sentences as they are otherwise I'll go through all of this with an angry red marker. For the sake of my sanity, I'll just fix the formatting and leave the rest be.

I wrote this chapter over four years ago. Was put on my lj February of '07. Writer-y annoyance aside, it's kinda interesting to see how my sensibilities have evolved since then. I'm going to start ranting about the structure, intentions, and ambitions I had when I first wrote this story so if you're not interested in this kind of stuff, please do skip this. Actually I guess I would advise you to come back to this rant once I've finished uploading the entire story as I rather one read through this fic with his/her own interpretation and not be influenced by my own. For this and the next three chapters, I think I'll probably put up huge A/Ns to talk about the failings of this fic because it's good for me to lay it out so I don't mess up the same way again. It's a learning experience and all that.

The story started out as a one-shot written because, around that time, the MH fandom was very small and there were probably only thirty or forty fics here on this site but already a lot of the fandom tropes of the characters/fandom interpretation of the characters were set and I wasn't too happy with them. Even more, I'm kind of a skeptical about the romance genre most fanfics fall into. I don't have a problem with them and I enjoy reading them from time-to-time but I would never write one myself. These impulses of mine give this story its setting and explain why it's set up the way it is: rather than write a get-together fic, I chose to write a break-apart fic which highlighted the weakness of poorly conceived, passionate romance. I chose to write in the manga-verse because I didn't have to deal with the incredible emotional complexity of the anime-verse characters and that I could write a story where Natsuki screws up more than Shizuru (as most fics are written from the other POV) to show the imperfections of Natsuki's character rather than just focusing on Shizuru's as many fics unjustly do.

This motivation actually comes and bites me in the butt because, as Kajskk aptly notes, I get Natsuki's mentality but screw up with Shizuru's characterization ironically enough. This story is way too heavily Nastuki focused without having properly explained Shizuru's side, let alone the Shizuru-Kiyohime's side I ended up writing. Also, because I approached the story and planned it from this POV...the innate structure of the story also is rather weak because of the character imbalance. This is made even more obvious because of the style this story is written in. I guess that's the problem with writing that hugs too closely to a character's consciousness: you're stuck in the same progression and don't have as free of a reign as you would have with a more open, objective POV. In this style, your character screw ups are magnified exponentially.

I'll take more about my failures/successes with attempting to insert literary devices into this story in the next chapter as it's more applicable there but I do want to talk a little bit about what goes on in this chapter. This chapter is, um...well, it's kind of stupid. It's interesting but not really relevant to the narrative. It's necessary as a transition to what came before but that's more indicative of how bad D6 is than anything else. Starting from D6, the entire story falls apart because I was overly ambitious and wrote stuff that 1) didn't fit the story and 2) I didn't have the ability to write properly. It feels kind of obvious to say this but like, symbols/most literary devices occur due to their repetition within a story: they gain meaning as they reoccur. Symbols/most literary devices are effective when they're so ingrained into the story that you don't notice them unless you pay attention to when and how they repeat and enhance the narrative. If you make something unnatural occur and reoccur, it stands out rather badly and messes up your narration.

At the heart of this story is a break up that happens because of two incompatible minds. This story is the strongest when it narrates the problems Natsuki faces and how she overcomes her insecurities to learn more about herself. What this story should have done is focus on the relationship of the ShizNat and how they overcome the problems that caused their break up. However, because I inserted a bunch of stupid elements, the story loses its focus and becomes just as delirious as its namesake (oh the irony is so ironic).

I'll talk more about Kiyohime in D9 but like, even though she's the reason why I made this story multi-chaptered, she ruins the narrative because how badly she's integrated into the story. Not only does she ruin Shizuru's development, she makes this story lose all semblance of verisimilitude and the end result is rather comical. This is especially apparent in this chapter.

One of the worst added elements of this story is that, even though I writing in the manga-verse, I wanted to dip my hand into the anime-verse. I made this and the next few chapters parallel the events that happen in the anime because I thought it would be cool. Actually, I think I framed my reasoning as something like, "because I want to revisit these actions in a way that shows what would happen with Kiyohime's effect on Shizuru" or something or another. Unfortunately, the problem with this is that it serves no purpose in _this_ story: it's unnecessary to the narrative. The ShizNatNao fight this chapter is supposed to parallel the anime episode 23 and it's just silly compared to what came before. It's connection to the heart of the fic: the break-up and the healing that comes after that break up is negligible. So again, D7 ends up being kind of stupid and childishly indulgent in a way that it's conducive to the story.

There's three chapters left. I'm planning on talking more about symbols and themes in the next chapter, Kiyohime in the 9th, and then in the last one I'll talk about the ShizNat relationship and additional mechanics of this story. If you have any questions about anything, please feel free to ask.

* * *

******Delirium  
Chapter 7**

It couldn't have been more dramatic.

There three woman stood on top of the fifteen-storied department on a warm summer's afternoon. Two of them stood close together; their green eyes turned towards the third figure with a fixed expression of surprise and fear which no doubt also ran through the rest of their bodies, tingling in their very spines. In their hands they held their respected, formidable weapons.

They had been fighting, these said two women. The rooftop of the building was scarred by their attacks. There lay strands of red wire that had been shot off. There sat a patch of ice that reflected brightly, mercilessly in the noonday sun. It had been a fast-paced battle with both combatants equally matched. The one with the claws had suddenly brought back her arm, ready to shoot it forward and let the wires connected to the nails of her Element slice through anything in its path. The one with the tiny revolvers had hers trained on the other's head and torso; she had finally saw an opening in her adversary's defenses. However, all that had fallen from their mind the moment the final figure had suddenly materialized onto the battlefield.

The third woman's hands were currently bare. No weapon was held in her callous hands. She was deadly calm, cold like the touch of frost upon a soon-dying flower. Her wine-colored eyes were unfocused as if she wasn't able to see, yet it did not matter to her. Who needed clear sight when one had power?

And then she threw her arm out in a single, earth-shattering movement. The air around her crackled with energy and then came the all-too-familiar sound of an Element appearing. A gleaming, foreboding red naginata appeared in her hands.

This woman then broke the uneasy silence with a single word—a name—that pierced through everything like razor-sharp spear, permeating the very laws of their universe:

"Kiyohime."

And then, the fourth figure appeared. Her ingression was languid like the movement of an arrogant predator who knew everything would change the moment she appeared. That once she did, the scene would shift and all her prey would rush away, trembling at her mercy. Slowly she emerged from behind the third woman: first came her head framed by a crown of dark purple hair; then her torso; and by the time she had fully surfaced, the two facing her realized how inhuman she was.

No longer was there the pretty but plain face of the ghost of an innkeeper's retribution seeking daughter. In its place was the face that one could only describe as "monstrous." Her eyes were pupilless, glowing yellow fully engulfed both eyes. The deathly pale skin covering the ghost took on a light purple tint and became scale-like. The kimono she wore was sprayed out and in tatters, flapping in an invisible wind along with her long hair. Her mouth was elongated; the pointed canines in her mouth had grown tremendously.

From behind the golden brown hair of the naginata-wielding woman, the monster's glowing eyes bore into the blue haired HiME's and her mouth was curled into a pleased smirk, taunting the other with the prize she had ensnared.

And so, it began.

* * *

Natsuki took a step backwards in disbelief, staring at the woman she had known for most of her life now contorted into someone she couldn't recognize. The chilling aura, the apathetic expression on Shizuru's face made her feel distant and unlike the Shizuru who always smiled so warmly at her. Who was this?

And then, that _thing _behind her…it almost was as frightening as Shizuru in her current state. The way she looked at her made her shiver. Oddly enough, she caught a flicker of hatred in those yellow eyes as if the monster despised her. It, however, soon gave away to a pleased expression. Like she had won something tremendous.

By this time, Nao had snapped back from her shock.

"What the hell?" she snarled, looking back and forth from her to Shizuru. "I don't know what's happening, but I want nothing to do with it."

Shizuru's head tilted to the side and she smiled calmly. "But Yuuki-san, that is impossible—you are a part of this. You are smart enough to know you would pay the repercussions the moment you touched what is mine."

"What's yours?" Her head snapped back to look at Natsuki and then back to Shizuru in disbelief. "Leave me out of your twisted lover's quarrel. Speaking of twisted, what is that thing behind you?"

"My, you've never seen a Child?" Shizuru said humorlessly.

"Child? You call that _thing_a Child? Even if it was, you're not a HiME."

"Perceptive as always, Yuuki-san. I am not like you or Natsuki. I never was." There was only a faint echo of bitterness in her otherwise hollow tone. Shizuru turned and touched Kiyohime's face with her free hand. "I am merely borrowing this one's power."

"That still doesn't make any sense." Nao said, growing more and more annoyed. This wasn't how she planned to spend her Saturday.

"Does it not?" The other replied nonchalantly with in a voice that no longer sounded human. Like she had transcended the gap, the frequency that the current world operated in, and stood between the planes of the dead and the living.

"Shizuru, what happened to you?" Natsuki said, no longer able to stay silent.

There was a pause as the person in question turned slightly, listening to the whispers of the monster behind her that only she could hear.

"Ara ara, does Natsuki finally care about me?" The other then replied with none of her usual spunk.

Before she could answer, Nao had summoned her Elements again and rushed forward with her claws outstretched.

"I've had enough of this tirade. I don't know what's happening, but I'm sick of it," the other brazenly replied as she ran towards where Shizuru stood.

Natsuki cursed to herself and called forth her tiny revolvers again. If Nao had any weakness, it would be that her impudence that exceeded even her own. To an extent, Natsuki knew when to stop and retreat while Nao, once angered, would keep going even if she was outmatched.

Once Nao had moved into range, Shizuru swept her blade in a quick, horizontal arc. It effectively caused the other to abandon her course and roll to the side in order to avoid being hit. The redhead landed with one of her knees touching the ground and, when she recovered, the younger girl threw herself forward again. This time she was ready. When the Kyoto native swung her naginata again, Nao ducked and reached forward, pulling the shaft down towards her, her elbow colliding with it painfully. It was a risky move and had she timed it wrong, the blade would've sliced through her back. However her sacrifice was well used as her other claw, wires out, whipped forward and lashed at the older woman's face and upper torso.

Unfortunately for Nao, that exact moment Kiyohime appeared in front of Shizuru. The wires collided with her scaly form causing the ghost to hiss and swipe at her. She blocked the surprisingly solid hand and was forced to retreat backwards, losing the advantage she had at a close distance.

Natsuki was about to intervene when she saw the monster turn slowly to face her as Shizuru moved through the ghost and towards Nao. Kiyohime smiled monstrously and she quickly fired in her opponent's direction. The ghost disappeared and reappeared next to her, face to face. For a moment she was eye to eye with the beast whose hands almost touched Natsuki's own. This caused her to lower her weapons in surprise. She could feel the cold breath of the "adopted Child" on her face and the pure hatred that radiated from her entire form. She almost shivered. Almost.

Instead she threw a kick at the ghost which passed through the body as if it was air. Kiyohime then moved to the side and swung her arm at Natsuki who promptly blocked it with her left forearm. She continued to trade blows with the monster with little avail though she managed to avoid getting hit. That was until Kiyohime decided she had enough and appeared behind Natsuki, wrapping her powerful arms around her, crushing her with her inhumanly strong hold.

Thinking fast, Natsuki quickly spun her guns so that the muzzle faced behind her and fired rapidly. Those hate-filled eyes widened in shock as Kiyohime was quickly encased in a block of ice.

Natsuki took the time to move away, all the while firing more shots at the currently frozen being. She had to move farther. Part of her wished she could call Duran, but that was impossible. After all, Tate was still in Fuuka. Tate...in this situation he would...

No!

She shook her head, trying to erase the distracting thought, and concentrated on the task at hand. She kept her Elements pointed towards her attacker just as the ice began to crack. She fired more shots at it but they were quickly growing obsolete. The golden eyes grew brighter while steam was emitted from the entirely frozen form. Water dripped down the melting, cracking ice.

"ANCHIN!" The inhuman monster screamed, flames dripping from her jaws. The icy prison broke while the ghost floated forward. Her body began to disappear and in its place…

Natsuki gasped as she took a step back out of reflex. There stood a towering purple armored, six-headed, hydra-like beast. All six of the heads turned towards her, snarling at her while twelve—no, fourteen yellow eyes were fixed onto her.

She was so screwed.

* * *

Meanwhile, if an onlooker was to turn and watch the other battle transpiring on the rooftop, he or she would see and battle take place between two women whose style of fighting couldn't be more dissimilar. One of them moved with practiced grace whose attacks were always quick and purposeful. Each slash with her naginata was executed with perfect precision of one who had mastered the weapon and martial art. The other's style seemed more like a jumbled mess of different techniques that she had merged to fit her weapon. There one could see her strike out with something one might see from a hard styled karate practitioner followed by block of a softer style, perhaps from jujutsu or aikido. It was obvious that she was an undisciplined fighter who was more accustomed to street brawling than fighting a highly trained adversary.

Both sported a few wounds. Shizuru had, more than once, been surprised by the other's brutality and the wild attacks. She was used to being pitted against martial artists who usually kept to traditional fighting etiquette and disciplined styles. She preferred to read her opponent's moves and predict how to counter them. With Nao, however, that proved to be impossible just as the five angry cuts on her right arm along with a few others showed how she was unprepared for an opponent who fought dirty.

Despite this, she faired far better than Nao. The redhead was starting to slightly regret her impulse to attack. Shizuru was setting a tempo that she could barely follow and couldn't change. It was nearly impossible for her to keep up with someone using a weapon with far longer range than her own and she was already worn from her fight with Natsuki. She was exerting more energy trying to duck, dodge, and escape the weapon's reach than its user did swinging it. And Shizuru had learned from her first attack to force the younger woman to keep her distance, away the range of her claws. Not just that, but she never gave her the time to fully utilize her wires. If she tried to step back and lengthen them—and then she had to aim as well—the golden brown haired woman would use that forever-extending blade to follow her or rush forward and attack.

Just like what she currently was doing.

Yuuki Nao had moved back, trying to steal a few seconds to breathe. Her arms fell to her side; the thin red wires connected to her weapon draped the rooftop surface. Shizuru had pursued.

This time, instead of attacking her head on, Shizuru spun her blade in her hands, changing her grip on the weapon before quickly jabbing the ishizuki (the metal counterweight) end of her weapon at the claw user. The purple tassels connected at the end of the ishizuki were swiped at Nao's face as the red naginata was turned once more. It was meant to distract the other as the blade slashed upwards in an attack that could cut her opponent in half.

However, Nao was ready. Her wires connected to the pole just as it shot up and she threw the naginata straight up into the air, yanking the blade out of Shizuru's hands. She shot the other a victorious smirk but was met with a powerful palm strike to her face.

Nao cried out in pain and fell to the ground, clutching her bleeding, but thankfully not broken nose. When she looked up, she saw the Kyoto native deftly catching the falling weapon and spinning it so that it faced her. She felt the cold blade pressed to her neck.

In the background, she spotted the huge purple Child that the ghost had turned into. She idly wondered whether or not she would want to switch positions with Natsuki. Maybe being torn apart and eaten by a giant snake-squid would be less painful than a death by the psycho naginata wielding woman.

…Nah.

"If I had Julia, I would've won." Nao muttered, trying the control the urge to pout even in her current predicament.

"The outcome would have been the same."

"Then hurry up and kill me to prove your point, whatever it is." She retorted, still clutching her nose. Her green eyes glared defiantly at Shizuru's empty ones.

There was a pause. At the same moment, Kiyohime stopped before her four of her mouths reached Natsuki who had been backed into a corner. Two of the snake heads had been completely frozen by the incessant shots fired by the blue haired woman.

Shizuru closed her eyes.

When they opened, the claret hued eyes were focused; she had regained control of herself. Her stance relaxed and her Element moved to her side and vanished. She turned away, unable to look at the younger woman she nearly killed.

"Natsuki is not worth bloodying my hands for." She said.

Kiyohime turned, hissing at Shizuru. Apparently, the woman understood what the beast was saying because she simply replied:

"It no longer matters. We are leaving, Kiyohime."

The ghost had no choice but to dip her many heads and fade away. That left Natsuki and Nao on the rooftop, just as wide eyed and shocked as they were when Shizuru first appeared.

* * *

As Shizuru walked down the stairs of the department store, she idly thought that it would be prudent to get rid of the evidence of the fight. No doubt someone in the city had seen Kiyohime in her Child form and word would spread or, even worse, there would be a video. Not just that, if the police got blood samples, they could trace it back to her.

Her family was never above doing a few illegal tactics if they knew they could get away with it. Thus they always had a few clean up crews. She could probably borrow one to deal with what had transpired. Why not; she had her cellphone with her. She dialed a number.

"Hello? Ah Takamori-san, how are you?" She paused, listening to the other's response.

"Yes, I have a favor to ask you. Would you and your team please clean up the rooftop of…that is correct. Here is the address," she gave it before continuing. "It would be preferable if you use the same discretion which makes my father highly regard you as always. You may also want look at the emergency stairway because it seems I am bleeding—do not worry. I will be fine. Please hurry. …thank you. I will be in my office if you need me." She closed her phone before the other could protest.

That being taken care of, she indiscreetly entered a bathroom on the fifth floor that she remembered being close to the stairs. Luckily it was empty. She first washed her hands as Nao's blood was still on them before accessing her other injuries. Aside from her right arm where four wires left their rather deep imprint on, showing how they had wrapped around her arm, ready to slice the entire appendage off had Shizuru not extended her weapon's chain-like blade and cut through the wires, there were only a few scrapes on her back she had to deal with. Shizuru was grateful that she had chosen today to wear pants instead of her customary skirt and darker colors.

Chances were if she continued down the stairs, she would find the emergency exit with a broken fire alarm. That was probably how Natsuki and Nao had entered. If not, hopefully she wouldn't be noticed walking out of the front entrance. She glanced worriedly at her arm. Her entire right sleeve had been cleanly sliced off and the five individual cuts still bled. It would be hard to hide her wounds and now that her adrenaline had stopped, pain had returned full force.

Kiyohime had also disappeared. She knew almost by instinct that the ghost probably would return when she went back to her office. What a predicament.

She sighed deeply.

With a little luck and knowledge of less common pathways, she somehow managed to reach the company building with little trouble. From there she was safe. She didn't have to go through the main doors and use the common elevators since there was a secret one at the back of the building near the obviously deactivated emergency exit. Her grandfather had it put in as he had a fondness of slipping away from unimportant meetings and paperwork. That same fondness seemed to have been inherited from generation to generation.

When she reached her office, she poured herself a cup of still hot tea. Yasuo probably had set it out for her before he left. Sitting down behind her desk, Shizuru mentally prepared herself. Any second now…

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two…

"Why did you stop?" Kiyohime hissed as she suddenly appeared in her scaly, grotesque form. She paused for a moment when she saw the golden brown haired woman laugh softly (Shizuru was evidently pleased at her prediction) before continuing, glaring angrily at the burgundy eyed woman who had long become immune to such looks. "You had her—you could have made her yours."

Shizuru didn't reply immediately. Instead she quietly drank her tea, letting the familiar taste pacify her nerves.

"I probably should have someone look at my injuries," she said airily, more to herself than to the angry ghost. "Just to make sure Yuuki-san's weapons were not poisoned. I wonder if our doctor will believe me if I said it was caused by a giant spider."

She looked up to see the ghost shaking in rage at being ignored with a calm smile on her face. Perhaps she shouldn't tease a thousand year old being whose powers she didn't quite understand.

"Anchin was right there! You had him! You should have finished the other and taken Anchin! You—

"Please do not confuse me with yourself. I am not you nor is Natsuki Anchin." She said, cutting off the ghost before she started ranting. Looking up at the rage-filled being, she continued:

"I think I understand how you exist. You drive your carrier into insanity with your manipulating words. You feed her despair until she is filled with desperation. She kills the one she loves and then herself at your goading. Then you subsist until you can leech off another maiden's tears."

The ghost had settled down during her short speech, returning to her most human-like form, and now sat on the edge of Shizuru's desk.

"Perhaps that is true, Fujino Shizuru. But what are you to do?" She leaned forward with a deceptively sweet smile on her face. "Sooner or later you will go after Anchin again. Lie as much as you want to yourself, but you can not escape the extent of your love for him."

"Her. Her name is Natsuki." Shizuru corrected with a false smile before sipping her tea.

"Then you do not deny it. You will go after _her_again." Kiyohime leaned closer; her cold breath could be felt on the Vice President's face.

"As nice as it is to be so close to you, I believe we both agree that my heart belongs only to Natsuki. So please move or else I might get the wrong idea." She laughed as the purple haired ghost quickly retreated back in surprise.

"You are a strange one."

"As I have been constantly told," she countered out of reflex before spinning the chair so she could look outside. She no longer saw the two figures on the rooftop who had put her into an enraged state and coerced the being that now sat near her out of her body.

"Please do not misunderstand me," she said in her customary polite accent after a minute. "There is a reason why I left her. I have no intention of pursuing Natsuki any longer. Enough of my life has been wasted waiting for her grow up and I have suffered deeply for it. My pain is something you understand, do you not, Kiyohime?"

"You tied too much of yourself to her. Sooner or later, you will pursue her again." The ghost said stubbornly. "They always do."

Had she been anyone else, Shizuru would've scoffed. Instead she chided mildly: "I am not like your usual prey. Do not take me for your usual, severely love-struck teenager who barely understands how the world works. I am not governed by impulse or leashed to my emotions. I have grown."

What she didn't say was that she was lucky Kiyohime had chosen (or was only able) to speak to her now. Had it only been a few years before and after a prolonged exposure, things may have been vastly different.

Kiyohime only smiled mysteriously and replied in her archaic tongue. "Perhaps that is so. But you forget that I have been with you since you were that 'love-struck teenager.' I know your inner workings and desires."

"Then would you please bring the teapot to me? It seems I have finished my cup." Shizuru said, smiling innocently. She ignored how close the comment had hit her.

The ghost rolled her eyes but did what she was asked. What remained of the innkeeper's daughter even poured the tea for her.

"Thank you." She said politely before remarking, "I have been wondering how you do that."

She was referring to how the ghost could become corporeal.

"Does it truly matter?"

"Not particularly, I was just curious."

"Then hurry up and make your point. I can sustain this form only for so long."

"You cannot control me, Kiyohime. You only can whisper in my ears what you want me to do. In truth, you must adhere to my wishes while you share my body. This is because you inhabit the form of an Orphan whom I have adopted as my own Child." She clutched her left side where her scar was. "If I looked, would I now find the same mark that Natsuki and the others have?"

"Look for yourself; I have never inhabited the body of a non-HiME." The ghost looked only slightly peeved when she saw the Vice President raise her eyebrow suggestively. That made Shizuru slightly disappointed.

When Kiyohime said nothing more, Shizuru goaded her slightly. "So it seems my assumptions are true since you have not replied."

"Even if they are, what are you going to do? It seems you can neither take a step back nor forward. What are you going to do now, Fujino Shizuru?" She repeated before vanishing.

Kiyohime's last words echoed through the office. As it did, Shizuru stood up and turned to face the glass wall behind her. With a heavy sigh, she said:

"I do not know."


	9. D8

A/N: Welcome to the next overly long rant in which I lambaste my younger self's writing ability. I suppose I should bow here and welcome you as your ever-so cordial host. So, yesh, welcome. You may call me Cordelia and I shall offer you the most cordial of cordial ~snickers~ Anyway, I did a little more editing here than the last chapter because the dialogue isn't properly laid out. Besides that, very little's changed from the original script. Yesh, you do can agonize over how badly this story is written.

There's a half a year gap between D7 and this chapter being posted. Where D7 was posted in February, D8 was posted in August of '07. This is probably due to me studying for the APs, graduating high school, and the fact that my entire summer was pretty much spent in the countryside of Taiwan where I had no access to the internet. Huh, now that I think about it, I think most of this chapter was written in a notebook and that I wrote a portion of this in Kyoto when we visited there at the end of our trip. I can't believe it's really been four years. I feel sooo ooold.

Anyway, like I said before, there were a couple things I was experimenting with when writing this story. One of the major things I was trying to do was insert literary devices into a story. Some of them worked better than others. One of the major symbols in this fic is the house as a place of union, separation, as well as it being a representation of the mind. The first few chapters of this story, the ones I think were the strongest, all happen in the house shared by the ShizNats. Of course, when Shizuru departs, this house becomes the sole property of Natsuki, i.e. Natsuki is the only one who has to live with herself in both a literal and metaphorical fashion. After the brief interlude when she leaves the house, D4-D7, Natsuki returns back to her house in D8 before going to Tate and Mai's. The times where she is outside she is gaining knowledge and experience; when she is inside she processes her experiences and come to various conclusions about her character. You could also say a motif of this story is the dichotomy of inside and outside: that which takes place within the mind and in one's actions.

In any case, this story is structured so that Natsuki's screw up are all laid in the first chapter which, even now, is probably the most perfect chapter I've ever written. Granted, I think I spent at least four (or was it six?) months refining it so the pacing is as close to perfect as it will ever be and, uh...right, bad digression. Anyway, given that Natsuki's screw ups are laid out in the first chapter, the ones after it were planned in a way to show how she moves beyond them. This growth climaxes in this chapter which starts at Natsuki's house before going to Tate's. And, if you'll notice, all of Nastuki's deliberation and contemplation actually happens in this home as well. It is at her house she comes to an understanding of herself and Shizuru and it is at the Mai/Tate house she comes to an understanding of her and Tate (and a minor one with Mai). Again the house and the dichotomy of the inside/outside are brought into full effect here.

The problem I came to realize when writing this story is that it's really hard to forcefully insert symbols/literary devices as they kind of screw up everything. The house symbol actually works because it's structurally relevant to the story but other ones fail because of how unnecessary they are. Unfortunately, I don't think my other ones worked as well.

One of the things I really wanted to do in this story is show how people are haunted by their past. That is, I think people are the sum of their experiences: they're not just the things that they've faced, but also the way they've interpreted the things that they've faced. With Natsuki, in this story, it's clear in the very first chapter that she's incredibly bothered by the fact that Tate dumped her, the fact that he chose Mai over her. Many of the things she faces in this story, things like her talk with her mom and whatnot (which I still is such an awesome concept) are written so Natsuki can take those steps forward and take control of her life and herself in the process. It's so she can exorcise herself from her troublesome events of her past, so to speak. If I did anything in this story, it's that I managed to do at least this much.

However, where I succeed with Natsuki, I fail doubly at Shizuru. Adding Kiyohime was such a colossal screw up on my part. Like, even though I only decided to write this story as a multi-chapted fic because I got the brilliant idea of adding Kiyohime, she ruins a lot of the pacing. Like my plan originally was to have the parallel between Natsuki being haunted by her past and Shizuru being haunted by Kiyohime. However, as I now realize, this is a false parallel: Shizuru should have been dealing with her past and I should've explored more her guilt of being in a false relationship more. Her narrative instead becomes so fractured because, in being haunted by Kiyohime (someone I wanted to reflect anime!Shizuru's characteristic neurosis), Shizuru ends up being haunted by her own past, Kiyohime, and Kiyohime's past. In other words, her actions are affected by not just herself, her anime self, Kiyohime, and Kiyohime's past. And so her character becomes pretty indecipherable, yeah?

This is something I'm still trying to work out because, in all honestly, I still really like this story despite my derision for my stupid choices. I'm still very attached to the idea of Kiyohime and the story of Delirium. Once I figure out how fix these things, I'll probably try writing this story again. Granted, this story will probably be more of a novel than a fanfiction: the concepts has changed from Kiyohime and MH to being more about academia. But yeah, this is getting to the tl;dr level if it's not there already.

I don't think D8 is that bad compared to D5-7 because it's a return to what I did best with this story. It's also kind of funny the epiphany Natsuki comes to here is the same one Nastuki talks about in MV2. Ah, well, I suppose I too am a sum of my writer self even when I don't remember stuff I've written, lol. In turn, the Natsuki of MV is a result of the Natsuki I wrote here, lol.

* * *

******Delirium  
Chapter 8**

The weather was nice today, Natsuki decided as she stared into the light blue sky filled with wispy clouds. For a summer morning, it was rather cool—perfect in her opinion.

She sat on the steps of the genkan of her home; her helmet was cradled in her lap. Her eyes glanced forward to where her haphazardly parked bike had dangerously skidded to a stop at the edge of the tiny flower bed near the stone steps. Months ago she would've been admonished for being so careless though there was no one to stop her now.

She had gone out driving for no reason in particular. Now that she had graduated she had far too much free time on her hands. She didn't commit to working fulltime at the garage either. She would and already felt restless at being restricted to it. She liked working with the engines, the feeling of oil on her skin—something Shizuru found utterly amusing and teased her about—but she couldn't imagine doing it forever. It was too simple. She blamed it all the multitasking she had done in high school: it had ruined her. She had the ability to process information quickly and put it to use, connecting it to whatever sources she already had. That was why she had been able to keep and establish her contacts while making some progress.

However, if this is so, than why had she failed at the very end? She had her sources, all the information—they gave her everything she needed to deal with the situation and yet she failed at the end. She could predict an opposing faction's actions and yet she missed the meaning behind them. Not only did she misunderstand Tate's feelings, but also misunderstood Shizuru's which caused this predicament to arise.

It was her fault, she already deducted, for being so blind. She had a limited perspective. She only saw herself, her faults, and paid no attention to the world outside herself unless it suited her needs. Therefore she found herself isolated.

That thought caused her to grin in an almost maniacal fashion. The look was completely unbecoming and Shizuru would always reprimand her with amusement glittering in her burgundy colored eyes. She had once countered that Shizuru only thought it was unbecoming because she had been taught so. That look, she decided, of shock on the older woman's face was worth it. Shizuru had gone silent, accessing the other's words and said:

_"My, Natsuki sometimes says wise things."_

_"You mean that I usually don't?" she said in mock offense._

_"Perhaps," Shizuru answered with a giggle. Natsuki had the feeling that she was somehow teasing her yet she couldn't figure out how. "But it is true, isn't it?" Shizuru gently persisted, "learned actions become habits. And then habits become part of one's character."_

_"Like how much you drink tea."_

_"Ara? Are you hinting at something? I seem to remember that you've been drinking an excess amount yourself."_

_"That's because there's nothing else to drink here!"_

_"If you want to complain than you should be the one doing all the shopping."_

_"Shizuru," Natsuki whined._

_Shizuru moved closer to her, an amused smile on her face. "What is it?" _

Natsuki wondered what it was as she looked at the tread marks from her bike that now stained her front yard.

Her mind wandered back to what happened a few days ago in Kyoto. She was the only one that left it unscathed. Poor Nao, she thought. She felt responsible with that happened to the younger woman who ultimately was the catalyst for the event. Although, chances were that it would've happened sooner or later.

Natsuki sighed.

_After the shock of Shizuru's abrupt departure had worn off, Natsuki moved closer to Nao and helped her up._

_"Sorry about all of this," she said, not knowing what else to say._

_Nao scoffed even as she stumbled forward. Her arms, legs, and waist were littered with perfectly sliced wounds. If the situation was different, Natsuki would've admired Shizuru's handiwork. She knew from sparing with Shizuru how powerful the woman was, even without the HiME power._

_"If any of these leave permanent scars, I'm killing you and that insane woman," Nao said. Her voice slightly distorted because she was clutching her still bleeding nose._

_Natsuki decided not to reply. Instead she looked around their battlefield and the mess that they made. She wondered how she was going to erase all the evidence. Maybe she could call one of her old contacts and convince them to do a favor for her, just for old time's sake. But first things first._

_"Let me help you to the nearest hospital," she offered._

_Nao glared at her, but grudging accepted it._

_As they slowly walked down the stairs they saw a group of black suit wearing men and woman approach them. Natsuki felt her body tense and Nao at her side doing the same._

_One of them approached them. With a formal bow, the man introduced himself as Takamori Ryuusei._

_"Kuga-dono, allow us to do our job. We shall clean everything up with the best of our ability."_

_Natsuki could not prevent a small smile to appear on her face. It seems that Shizuru beat her to it._

_"She sent you, didn't she?" she asked just to confirm._

_"That would be correct, Kuga-dono. We can send both of you to one of our hospitals."_

_"Don't leave me with them," Nao muttered softly so that only Natsuki could hear. There was nervousness and a trace of fear that laced her voice that made Natsuki reconsider just leaving her._

_"Alright." Natsuki said. She paused for a moment, earning another angry glare from Nao, before she belatedly said:_

_ "You don't mind if I accompany her to the hospital, do you?"_

_"Not at all."_

There was an almost fond smile on her lips as she remembered what had happened next. It was a bit strange, relating the hospital and that situation with fondness, but she could not help it. She had found that she could relate easily with Nao. Both of them had uneasy memories of such places. Despite the front that the younger girl put up—she was just like her. They were surprisingly similar that it bordered slightly disconcerting. She and Nao would probably never get along cordially; however, it wouldn't stop them from grudgingly accepting one another.

Natsuki sighed heavily and she stared off into a distance that she could not see. She shifted restlessly. There was no point in just sitting there reminiscing about the past. She wasn't the type of person to do so. She preferred action. And, therefore, she would take action.

Back then, during that fight with that gigantic six-headed snake Shizuru called "Kiyohime," she had finally understood something. She had stumbled across the source of her problem. After a few nights pondering and linking all her information together, Natsuki had come to a conclusion. This morning she had located the source. She had been indecisive and unsure of herself at first, but now, she saw no other choice.

If she was to move on with her life she had to overcome that obstacle. There was nothing more, nothing less for her to do.

Natsuki stood up.

She knew where she needed to go.

Even though she knew all of this, it didn't make the drive there less difficult, less taxing on her self-control. She debated and thought over so many different scenarios that they all began to blur in her mind. One thing lead to another and another and so forth. It was not long before she began making excuses to avoid the soon-to-be encounter; however, she managed to keep her resolve.

It took her exactly twenty-two minutes and eight seconds to reach her desired destination. Natsuki stopped her bike in front of a modest, relatively new looking dojo. A kendo school, to be exact.

She took off her helmet and ran her fingers through her hair. It was now or never.

She had gone through enough ordeals to last several lifetimes—she could handle it. These last few years had changed her for the better, she was stronger now—at least she hoped.

…and there he was, standing in front of his dojo, smiling boyishly and his embarrassment was obvious even from a distance. There was Tate Yuuichi. Tokiha Mai stood next to him, almost protectively, with her arms crossed. However, Natsuki barely saw her; she did not even acknowledge her existence. All she saw was him.

When she approached, Tate's awkward grin widened and he scratched his head out of reflex.

"Hi."

He hadn't changed much since she last seen him nearly four years ago. She had made an effort to make sure her path never crossed his at the university. The sight of him, just standing there, looking absolutely uncomfortable and read to drop everything and run…it somehow made her heart throb painfully. She didn't know why—it just did.

"…It's been a while," she replied curtly, not willing to say his name. There were too many memories attached to it, mostly bad ones. She had grown since then, she had changed…Natsuki hoped.

"Why don't we go inside and talk?" Tate asked. "We'll sit on the genkan and chat—it'll just belike old times."

She almost visibly winced. Wrong. It was the completely wrong thing to say. He was unlike Shizuru that way. Somehow the Kyoto-native always seemed to find comforting words to cheer her up. Warm, supporting words that gave her stability and courage.

Even so, she followed him through his—it was obviously _his_—dojo and into his home. He somehow managed to sense that she had come to talk to him alone so he bade Mai to leave them.

As Natsuki sat down on his genkan, she looked into his relatively small garden. Simpistic was the word to describe the tiny stone and sand garden. It wasn't even raked. While it was clean (likely Tokiha's doing) it was nothing compared to what she and Shizuru had. His garden was sparse and common as the one Shizuru designed was masterfully proportioned and singular.

She finally realized that he was waiting for her permission to speak. Instead, Natsuki sighed, and tried to create a casual conversation.

"I haven't seen you around."

Tate laughed, visibly happy that some of the tension was released.

"It's because I dropped out of the university. It was getting too difficult…mah, that's not exactly right—the former master of the dojo passed away and he named me his successor so I decided to move in and…

Natsuki drowned out his speech and instead stared at him. He was nothing special—his type was as common as leaves were on a tree. But that was part of what drew her to him in the first place (for some odd reason). Even in his twenties, Tate still looked boyish. His face was lean but there remained that insolent look about him like he was just getting dragged by his ears through life and he refused to take initiative. No, that wasn't true—he would take it if he was backed into a wall.

She supposed he was valiant and courageous judging by his actions in the past. He was strong, brave, and reliable in the sense that he would full-heartedly support his friends and never betray them—a regular hero type. He had a good sense of responsibility and justice, yet he was such a quixotic person. He wasn't afraid to bull his way through problems, events, or people. She admired that strength of character. Still…what drew her to him in the beginning?

"So what about you?" Tate said after breaking out of his dream-like state caused by his recollection and finally realizing that he had spoken too much.

Natsuki smiled weakly. "I was driving by and I saw you. Was hoping to catch up on everything since it's been a while."

It was a complete lie. She had planned everything. She knew that he would be sweeping the front of his dojo at the exact moment she arrived from various sources. Besides why the hell would she want to catch—

"That's great!" Tate said before he smiled. "I'm glad to see you again. You look, um, as good as you always did."

She hated how he could say that and the fact he meant every word. How could he be so sincere? Didn't she drag him around, kidnap him even, and say all those childish things to him, back then? How could he…

Mai had prepared a small snack tray and tea for them. She set them down and left. Taking a bite into a cooking, Natsuki smiled nostalgically.

"She's gotten better. I didn't think it was possible." she sighed, "That was one thing I could never beat her at."

"It's alright. I think you have your own strengths."

The way he said it made her feel like rolling her eyes. But, in truth, he hadn't changed at all. His movements, gestures—the way he talked—it was all the same. All those things still made her heart clench—just like it seemed to always do…but something was missing. Or was it? Maybe it wasn't there to begin with and she never realized it.

She smiled. "Thank you."

He grinned at her before turning to the side to stare into his garden. "I've said nothing you need to thank."

What did she want from him? What made her want him in the first place? These were all the thoughts that pestered the mind of Kuga Natsuki. Why did he make her feel such extreme emotions that she never felt with anyone else and yet…those same feeling made her awkward, not herself, and not right. Like she exhausted herself over nothing. But it wasn't nothing; it was something. Something so strong that it made her…

…wait.

She was staring too intensely at Tate. He had consciously moved away from her and was doing his best not to look at her. Beads of sweat were visible on his face. She could count them.

He was so unlike Shizuru. That woman would never look away from her or look so uncomfortable under her gaze. If she did feel so, Shizuru would never show it. She probably knew that Natsuki couldn't take the disapproval from those she held dear in fear of being shunned. If anything, Shizuru would start teasing her or do something so offbeat, so…so Shizuru-like to make her expression (and often emotion) change. It was just how that woman was and Natsuki could not help smiling in remembrance.

As she continued to stay deep in thought, Tate ventured carefully closer to her the way one would attempt to approach a particularly dangerous animal.

"Is something wrong?" he asked before breaking into a nervous grin. "Is there something on my face?"

Heh.

After a few more seconds of awkward silence, Natsuki could not help herself: she started laughing. She laughed as hard as she had ever laughed. Tears started falling. Her sides hurt from all her laughing; she clutched them. She hadn't laughed so hard in months, especially in the last few painful ones. She really could stop herself from laughing so hard. The levity of the situation just seemed so humorous now. The sheer discomfort that was almost tangible, Tate Yuuichi's face…everything was just too funny.

All Tate could do was stare at her incredously and scratch his sideburns. That action made her laugh even harder. She roared, she howled, shaking her head from side-to-side.

After a few minutes had passed, she finally managed to calm herself. Wiping her tears from her eyes, Natsuki regained control of her voice.

"Sorry. It's just that I finally realized something about myself."

"Eh?"

"I can't believe how stupid I am." She said laughing. "Everyone has been telling me and I finally get it. I can't believe how blind and stupid I am. It's taken over five years for me to open my eyes."

She had never felt better. She felt almost like a new person, as if she had completely changed—she now had no burden to bear. The heavy weight that weighed her down, causing her to focus her entire self upon supporting it, had vanished. She now could stand up and look at her surroundings. She felt like Amaterasu had finally come out of her cave and brought the sun back to shine brightly on her world, causing all shadows and lingering doubts, fears, and inhibitions to flee into the back of her mind.

"I can't believe I spent not just high school, but also college mooning over you. No, it wasn't really _you_ as a person, but you as an ideal." She said smiling, running her hand through her hair.

"I don't think I follow."

"It's so obvious to me now. You were just _there_. You abruptly entered my life so I wasn't prepared." Like Shizuru, she thought before she continued speaking. "I think part of me wanted someone besides me since I've been alone for so long. I never considered Shizuru because she was always there and…part of me always wanted to believe in the fairy tales my parents use to tell me.

"The moment you came between Tokiha and me and accidentally bumped into my Element, I willed myself to believe that a prince had come. I made you my Key. I followed you because I wanted comfort, security. No matter how many times you rejected or pulled me away, I blindly continued to pursue you with emotions I willed myself to feel. I wanted you because I wanted an ideal."

She smiled again, resting her head on her crossed arms; her knees were tucked close to the rest of her body. She then said, "I chased after a person that was never there. I hadn't experienced enough to realize that what I felt wasn't right or did I know what I wanted. Therefore, if I didn't know what I wanted, how could I have it? I was always confused or misdirected.

"But what—who—I wanted was right in front of me. Just in a direction I never looked, never considered. After a while she started to give me what I needed, dreamed of. It was only after she left that I realized, at least unconsciously, that I was missing something—someone. That feeling of emptiness… So I went searching."

That had to be it. There was no doubt in her mind anymore what she wanted. She was old enough and had experienced enough to see clearly, through the thick haze of misdirection and juvenile confusion.

It was only though looking at Tate, the person she had chasing for so long, that she saw him finally as the person he was, not the person she wanted him to be. It was after she realized that she was subconsciously comparing him to Shizuru that she finally understood. She had found that missing piece that had evaded her for so long.

There was no reason for her to stay any longer so Kuga Natsuki stood up. She smiled.

"Thank you."

Tate grinned. "I'm not sure what happened, but I'm glad to be of use."

Natsuki turned and looked up to the sky. Her gaze was wistful. After, she turned back and gave a short bow.

"I'll excuse myself now. Thanks again for your time."

"Not at all. And I'll see you around."

Natsuki left Tate Yuuichi sitting on the floor of his engawa and moved swiftly through his home. She was about to leave the genkan before she heard the sound of loud footsteps and Mai calling out:

"Wait," she said.

Natsuki stopped and turned to look at her.

"Yeah?"

"These are for you," Mai said before she handed Nastuki a bag containing a box of the cookies she had made.

"Thank you."

"I, uh, overheard your conversation with Yuuichi."

"I know."

"You did?"

"Didn't care."

"Even so, I'm glad for you." Her purple eyes looked down to the side. She then said, "We've never been really close by I get the feeling that we would've really good friends if circumstances were different. It feels like a shame."

Natsuki joined her nervous laughter before replying. "I think so too."

"But there is still time. We still have another chance. We're over our petting rivalry and uh…what?" She looked at the hand Natsuki extended. Natsuki looked at her expectantly.

"Your cookies, give them to me."

"Oh." The sound of more laughter and the plastic bag exchanging hands was heard.

Natsuki looked at Mai and saw the other do the same. They both smiled.

"I hope you get her back."

Natsuki looked away. "Me too"

She put her helmet on and started to walk towards where she had parked her motorcycle.

Mai called out once more from the genkan. "You and Kaichou-san are invited to come over anytime!"

Natsuki flipped her visor up and nodded, smiling although the other woman could not see.

With a careless wave of her hand, Kuga Natsuki left the kendo dojo with her mind clearer than ever before. She felt at peace with herself, something she had never felt since she was very young. And she certainly knew what she had to do.

* * *

_The moment she saw him, their eyes met, she fell in love with him. (No, not her—_she_ did.) There was something about him, the kindness in his warm, brown eyes that spoke of deep wisdom, gentleness, and yet there was a bit of troubled confliction in his eyes. They reached out to her. Her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes widened and she saw his do the same. She once again seemed to be completely engulfed in the sheer brownness that was his eyes. It just a single moments, a second suspended in time—that intake of breath, motion stopped—and she fell so completely into him in a way she never dreamed possible. There was no logic to it—she just did. (But she didn't, _she_ did)._

_"Who is he," she asked, tugging on her father's sleeves._

_The innkeeper laughed at his daughter. He took her infatuation lightly and seeing how he had just drunk his evening sake, he was in a merry mood._

_"That man is to be your husband."_

_She knew he was joking. The man—monk, actually—grinned, taking no offense of the comment._

_His name was Anchin. As a child he had been orphaned. He grew up in a temple not too far from their inn. Now, at the age of 20—he was three years older than her—he decided to go on a pilgrimage to find himself. To search for that complete awakening, enlightenment. Something like that. He was searching for a place to stay for the night. Because of the generous amount of money he was willing to spend, her parents readily welcomed him._

_She found herself drowning in him (it wasn't her, it was someone else). Everything about Anchin was alluring and fully engrossing. He kept himself well groomed. Everything, including him, was maintained clean and orderly which was something that likely existed due to his background, but it was a characteristic that she, an innkeeper's daughter, valued highly in a person. The way he smiled, the way his eyes would disappear when he smiled, the way he would acknowledge her when she came in to give him tea…the polite tone he would always speak to her in…how could she (not her!) not adore him?_

_They found much to talk about, every year he stopped by. He was patient and let her talk excitedly and passionately—for she was a very passionate, emotional person—something her parents forbid her to do for it was unbecoming of a girl her age. She was the only child and she rarely found anyone to talk to, the inn was rather far from the nearby town. They were slightly secluded—in the middle of nowhere, really. Therefore she rarely had anyone to talk to and relish any chance to speak to a willing listener. (it wasn't her, it was someone else)._

_He was the first person that really talked to her. She didn't get scolded or was laughed deridingly even though she was young and slightly clumsy. When she did accidentally broke her sandal and trip, he just laughed kindly and helped her up. He even fixed her broken footwear for her!_

_She (she wasn't this person, this person wasn't her) knew that he liked her too. She wasn't beautiful appearance-wise, she was a bit plain really, but she was somewhat attractive. But that didn't matter seeing how handsome Anchin seemed to enjoy her presence as much as she did his. In slightly dissimilar ways, they were lonely people which instinctively took comfort in each other. That's what she thought._

_Every time he came to visit he would always bring her some extravagant gift. Then they would go somewhere and talk. Anchin always seemed like he was torn in two separate ways. He had a hard time making decisions. Although, one day when they reached his room, he had slid the door close and then kissed her! Oh how she cherished that kiss and would always remember it (it wasn't her; these weren't the emotions she were feeling). He spoke softly, saying how he loved her and, if it was for her sake, give up his life as a monk so they could go live together somewhere. Her heart soared across the brilliant, cloudless blue heaven! He was speaking the words that she wished to hear! How could she say no? Tomorrow he would go back to the monastery, gather up what little belongings he owned, tell the others that he would be leaving, and they would go. Did she want to?_

_Oh didn't she! That night she climbed into his bed and lay next to him. Anchin only smiled at her (not her, not her!) actions but turned to the other side. He looked so conflicted and forlorn. She hugged him fiercely but he didn't react. That morning, he patted her head and told her:_

_"Wait for me. I will come back soon."_

_"Will you promise to me, Anchin?"_

_He smiled. She swore that his smile was almost sad. "I promise. I shall return."_

_His eyes were stormy; she couldn't read his emotions. But she clung onto his promise and that remnant of that passionate kiss that they shared together. There was no way that Anchin would ever go back on his word, she reasoned. So she could more fiercely onto her memories of him and waited (it wasn't her! wasn't her, she wasn't Kiyohime, she was—)_

_Over a year passed. In her family's garden, the chrysanthemums had blossomed and then faded, much like her foolish, girlish dreams. Winter turned into spring and then all the seasons began to blur in her mind in a hazy swirl of delirium. He'll come, she willed herself to believe. He'll come. Anchin will come. He will come, he will come, he will come, he will come, he will come…he will come!_

_He didn't. He never did. She felt her body growing weaker and weaker. She didn't eat. Her paler skin became paler still. Why didn't he come? She stared at the maple tree, whose leaves were red like blood now. Why won't Anchin come? She thought, crying. He promised._

_Her parents were worried about her. They sent for the best doctors that they could find. But none of them could help her. How could they heal a sickness as deep and incurable as love?_

_Deep happiness, joy, and love turned into expectation. When expectation faded it became sorrow. Now, her poignant sadness had been rendered into hatred. From hatred it evolved into blind, all-consuming rage that shook her to her very core. Sorrow had turned her into a weak apparition of her old, vivacious self. Rage caused her to shed her former self entirely. She was no longer human. The chill of cold, burning despair had crept upon her and consumed what was left of her body. From there, her powerful hatred turned her spirit into a snake. She would destroy everything that stood in her way of happiness! If Anchin could not give up his attachment for his beloved monastery, she would destroy it! She would burn everything in her path with her fiery wrath!_

_It was Anchin's fault! Everything was his fault! He caused her to become this way, he gave her so much happiness and then heartlessly took it all away because of his indecision! How dare he deceive her! He would pay. She was going to make him feel her fury. She was going to make him feel fear and then she—_

_Not she. It wasn't her. This wasn't her rage. She wasn't this person. She struggled. She needed to break out of this. Break…_

In her penthouse apartment in Kyoto, Fujino Shizuru woke up panting heavily.

She had been dreaming but it wasn't her. She saw the events happening through the eyes of a spectator. Somewhat. It was hard to describe. The feelings, she felt them as if she was that person. She was both a spectator and that person. She was an entity that saw things with that person's eyes. It strained her mind to attempt to differentiate between her and that woman—Kiyohime.

The dream had shaken her badly. She knew she had almost lost herself completely in that dream. Shizuru shifted in her bed and then sat upright. Burying her face into her hands, she tried to calm herself. Breathe in, breathe out. She slowly relaxed.

Even though her hands still shook, she managed to pour herself a glass of water. These dreams were getting stronger and stronger. Shizuru didn't know how much more she could take. After she had finally regained control of herself, she stood up. Slowly walking towards one of the large glass windows of her suite, Shizuru stared at her reflection. Her nights have obviously been sleepless seeing how bloodshot and the black rings under her eyes that, right now, no make-up attempted to hide. Shizuru curled her hands into fists, her entire body tensing before she finally let out a sigh. Gathering her wits, she called out:

"Kiyohime!"

"You called, Mother?" The ghost retorted, appearing promptly.

Shizuru's reflection had been contorted into an entirely different entity. Staring back at her were not her usually burgundy-colored eyes, but bright yellow ones slit like a snakes. While she seemed exhausted, Kiyohime could not be more vibrant. However, that energy was not doing well for her. The ghost's appearance was becoming less and less human-like and more like that hideous form she had appeared in during that rooftop battle that seemed an eternity ago. Her form seemed to reflect her sanity as well. It would seem that Kiyohime was slowly going insane.

"What is the meaning of this?" Shizuru asked harshly.

"Meaning of what?" replied what would've been an innocent tone had a snicker not followed it.

"You know what I mean, Kiyohime. Why are you invading my dreams?"

"Am I? Or are you invading my own?" The pointed teeth-filled mouth slid into a fearsome smile showing even more of the ghost's fangs. "Or perhaps we are becoming one?"

"Leave me now."

"But I can not. I have said before, _Mother_, your emotions bonded me to you. I am the product of your feelings. And as long as you can't abandon your feelings for Anchin, I shall remain your Child."

"Natsuki! Her name is Natsuki." Shizuru said, grimacing.

"You will go after Anchin. You cannot help but to."

"You will not make me do anything against my will."

Kiyohime laughed. She reached out from the glass wall and, using one of her scaly hands, forced Shizuru to look at her. "Human resolve is so breakable. Pure emotions are stronger."

"What are you trying to do to me?" Her eyes were hard, unreadable.

Here another monstrous smirk was given. "Nothing you don't want to."

"You're nothing but a broken record who keeps repeating the same phrases. I will not allow you to control me and continue the vicious cycle you have wrought for all these centuries."

"Am I really controlling you? Am I really here? Or perhaps you are talking to yourself. Even if I wasn't here, Fujino Shizuru, you would still think these same thoughts. My presence only strengthens the feelings you already have. You will go after her because you want to. You still belong to her. "

"I belong to no one but myself. And I will do nothing as childish as pursuing a lost cause."

"Continue lying to yourself. But I know what you really want to do."

Shizuru chose not to reply. Instead she looked down, past the apparition, and into the city that stretched beyond her sight. The lights shined burned strong in modern-day Kyoto despite the extremely early hour. She could also see dimmer areas with only a few scattered lights about, indicating housing districts, and darker areas still which signified old landmarks such as temples. Everything else seemed so distant to her now, like it was some fantasy-world that she used to live in. She wished she had never gone to that cursed land, enrolled there, fallen in love, and gotten herself caught in this downward spiral of madness that she was certain would lead to her self-destruction. Her hand instinctively clutched her stomach wound where Kiyohime's mark now resided.

That obviously wasn't the right thing to do as the ghost lost her patience.

"YOU WILL GO AFTER ANCHIN!" She shriek loudly, reverting back into her revolting form. Her form disappeared from the glass and reappeared behind her. An inhumanly strong, monstrous arm wrapped around her neck, choking her tightly, crushing her—she couldn't breathe, she felt everything slowly fading away—lifting her from the ground. Her feet dangled uselessly in the air. The mark burned her skin.

Shizuru tried her best to focus. She was the one in control. She would not lose to her disobedient Child. She felt her body relax under her and her stolen strength return to her. She had to concentrate in forcing the ghost to disappear.

Kiyohime let loose another ear-splitting scream and threw her to the side like a rag doll. Shizuru hit the back of her leather couch painfully. As she tried to calm her breathing, she dimly saw the ghost thrashed wildly, to and fro, clutching her head. Shizuru saw her room suddenly consumed in abyss-summoned flames. Their heat burned her from both inside and out. Sweat beaded down her face from the sheer intensity of the fire.

"HE WILL PAY! HE DESERVES TO STAY HERE FOREVER AND GRIEVE! I WON'T LET ANCHIN GO! HE WILL SEE EVERYTHING HE HAS CAUSED!"

She had enough of this. Wiping the blood from her lips, Shizuru managed to stand up. It was only through her determination that she managed to regain her bearings even though she had to lean against the wall to remain stable.

"Kiyohime, I order you to leave."

The ghost-possessed Child could not disobey a direct command issued with deadly solemnity. She instantly went silent under her gaze that was colder than steel and disappeared. The flames left as well, leaving her room as it was before, as if nothing had ever transpired. It had all happened in her head.

Shizuru remained on her feet only through the sheer force of her will. After a few minutes had passed and she was certain she had regained the ability to walk, she sighed heavily and moved to her desk. She turned her laptop on. She would not be sleeping for what little remained of the night.

Even though she refused to think such thoughts, one did worm its way into her mind:

_Save me. Anyone…Natsuki…_


End file.
